i got the feedback that i need to "build more relationships" and the men who never do are called focused

Six years, backend, mostly male teams. My last review was strong on delivery. The one growth area my manager circled was that I should "invest more in relationships across the org" and "be more visible."

I have been turning this over for weeks. Because I know exactly which men on my level skip every social thing, never grab coffee with another team, go heads-down and ship, and their reviews say "deeply focused," "strong individual contributor," never a word about visibility. The same behavior reads as a strength on them and a gap on me.

And the relationship thing is not free. It is hours of casual presence, the lunches, the hallway chat, the showing-up to things that are not the work. For people whose home life is already a second shift, that currency is expensive, and we get charged for not spending enough of it while the people with the most time to spend get praised for not bothering.

I am not against relationships. Half my best work happened because someone trusted me. What gets me is that it is named as my deficiency and their nonissue, from the same set of behaviors.

For the women here, did "be more visible" feedback ever turn into anything real for you, or was it just the polite version of "we like you less than the quiet guy who does the same job"?