A new college new start - part 5

Part 4

https://www.reddit.com/r/Tamizhteens/s/xRm8qXGZ6d

So, the school chapter was over, and now we had to choose a college. Enga veetla enna veliya anuppave romba bayappattanga. They were terrified of my health spiraling again. But despite everything, I wanted to join a good college, away from my hometown. First, naan enna padikkanum nu decide pannanum. Even though I had scored well, choosing a high-pressure, tough subject was risky. Ullukkulla oru bayam—what if the academic stress triggers a relapse?

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That was when my dad suggested I take up Literature. It made perfect sense. From my childhood, I had always found my safe space in the world of books. Naal kanakka, vaara kanakka ukkanthu novels padippen. Since I also had a good score in English, I confidently decided to pursue English Literature.

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Ippo college select pannanum. My dad, still acting out of fear and protectiveness, wanted me to study in a local college just to get a degree. "Ethuku risk, namma oorlaye padikattum" nu nenachaaru. Aana, ennathan naan mentally disturbed-a irunthalum, padikira aasa enna vittu pogala. I wanted to experience life in a reputed institution, and eventually, I secured admission in a great women's college in the Coimbatore region.

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But trauma doesn't just disappear overnight. On the day of admission, right when everything was falling into place, I got severely triggered again. A sudden wave of panic hit me. I told my parents, "I don't want to study at all!" Enga veetla ellarukkum ore shock. I threw all my certificates on the floor and broke down crying, completely overwhelmed by the fear of failure. Approm oru valiya, with a lot of patience, they calmed me down and convinced me to join.

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Looking back, I can confidently say that those were the best three years of my life. I was stable, completely away from the toxicity of my past, and I found some truly pure souls who became my closest friends. I actively participated in various departmental programs, won many prizes, and read more books than ever before. Nalla marks vaanginen, and for the first time in years, I was genuinely content with my life. Since it was a women's college, we had absolute freedom and so much fun. We used to dance, watch movies together, and even though mobile phones weren't allowed, antha life romba jolly-a irunthuchu. I was finally healing.

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And then, COVID happened.

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Normal-a irukaravangalaiye COVID lockdown oru padu paduthiduchu. For me, it meant being dragged away from my safe haven and forced back into the very environment I had fought so hard to escape. I was back at my toxic home, and slowly, the depression started creeping in again.

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To make matters worse, the heavy psychiatric medications I had been taking for years the mood stabilizers and antidepressants started taking a massive toll on my physical body. En weight fast-a era aaramichathu. Udambellam, specifically on my face and back, severe acne breakout aachu. These weren't just normal pimples; sometimes periya periya kattiya vanthu, pus leak aaga aaramikkum. It was excruciatingly painful, both physically and for my self-esteem.

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But here is the miracle, despite the chaotic home environment and the painful physical side effects, mind-wise, I remained stable. The routine I had built, the literature I loved, and the mental endurance I had developed over the years kept me anchored. The medications were harsh on my body, but they, along with my own willpower, held my mind together. Somehow, battling through the pandemic, I successfully finished my B.A.

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With my undergraduate degree in hand, I knew I couldn't stop. I wanted to pursue my M.A. Once again, out of concern, my father suggested I just join a local college or do a distance education program so I could stay at home.

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But I was no longer that scared 11th-standard girl. I took a brave, life-changing decision. Instead of settling, I applied for an M.A. in English at a premier, highly competitive university in an entirely different state

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I prepared hard, and fortunately, I cleared the interview and got selected! Initially, enga veetla enna anuppa suthama sammathikkala. The idea of me moving to a bustling metropolis in another state terrified them. Aana, past moonu varushama naan evlo stable-a, strong-a irunthen nu paathathala, they finally accepted and let me go.

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I packed my bags, filled with dreams of a beautiful new chapter in a new city. Aana anga poi neraya vishayam maarum nu naan suthama ethir paakala...

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