My Dad suddenly died

2 days ago my Dad, to the only way to describe it, just dropped dead. He was completely fine, only 64, no bad health, no injuries, no warnings, nothing. He just collapsed and now he's gone. It just doesn't feel real. He was there and now he's not. And I don't know how to come to terms with that. The night before my parents had friends over and were having a good time, nothing was wrong. They had some large retirement plans they were almost ready to start doing fully soon. They were loving life and now everything has come crashing down.

At the time when he collapsed, I thought he was still breathing, or I don't know as I was in panic, but I'm left with all the what if's. Why didn't I start CPR? I might have saved him. I know how to do it. It's been hot in the UK, so I thought, he passed out from the heat. But I didn't check his pulse or even think of anything like that. I know it's wrong to blame myself for that. But I can't shake the what if's. We don't fully know what caused it yet, but early thoughts from the paramedics and doctors think it was an aneurism in his brain or something. Hopefully we will find out soon enough.

In the next week or two I will be getting the keys to my first flat that I bought and would be moving out from my parents for the first time. It's something I have been working on saving for years and I was so proud of myself. And I wanted to share that with him. The flat needs work doing and all I keep think now is, who do I phone when I need advice on something like that? Need something fixing, I ask my dad. My cars got a problem, I ask my dad. Need help moving stuff, I ask my dad. But he's not here anymore. I don't get to have that moment where I can show him around the finished flat that I have done. My only thought left is which is a nice picture of him that I can put up? And that's sounds completely fucked to me. Nothing seems real. These aren't questions I should have to be asking myself.

Moving out now comes with the added guilt of leaving my mum alone. She does say, don't let it stop you moving out and all that. But she's going from a full house to being by herself instantly. I feel horrible about doing that to her.

This is all a mindless jumble of thoughts so I can get some stuff out of my head. You always hear the advice of, hug your loved ones because you never know when it will be the last. But it's something you never stop to think will happen to you. And then it's all gone in an instant.