Im so fucking drained

I'm so fucking drained. I don't even know how to explain it anymore. Every day feels exactly the same and I'm so tired of pretending that I'm okay when I'm really not. I wake up already exhausted because I know exactly what's waiting for me. I can't even breathe without getting yelled at. It doesn't matter if I stay quiet or if I actually try to help. Somehow I'm always the problem

My dad's abuse has completely fucked me up, and my grandma is just as bad. She always yells at me for no reason, and I never know what I did wrong. I spend every day walking on eggshells because I never know what's going to make them angry next. One wrong word, one wrong look, one tiny mistake and suddenly I'm getting screamed at again. My grandpa is always telling me to stop eating so I can be skinny because apparently no one wants a fat wife, which is such a fucked up thing to say. I'm not even fat, I'm just not skinny, and it makes me feel awful hearing that all the time. Home is supposed to be somewhere you're safe, but for me it's the place that makes me feel the most trapped i've struggled with my mental health before, and there was a time when I was dealing with self-harm. I'm trying to leave that part of my life behind, but it's hard when I'm still living in the same environment that caused so much of it in the first place. Healing isn't easy when you're constantly being hurt all over again the worst part is that life itself hasn't even been that bad lately. I actually started talking to this guy I really like, and for the first time in what feels like forever I caught myself smiling without forcing it. I started thinking maybe things were finally getting better. Maybe I could actually be happy. Then I get home and it's like all of that disappears. Every bit of happiness gets replaced with fear and anxiety. It's like I'm not allowed to have good things because the second I walk through that door everything comes crashing down again. I'm so tired of pretending I'm strong. I'm tired of acting like words don't affect me when they stay in my head for days. I'm tired of feeling like nothing I do is ever enough. I don't want a perfect life. I just want peace. I just want to feel safe in my own home. I just want one day where I don't feel like I'm doing everything wrong

I'm exhausted in every possible way there is