Sometimes I miss my SA'er and I hate it. I cant help it. [NSFW?]

Hi, I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. I dont know if this is the right reddit for this, I only made this account to confess this. I, 17M (now), had a boyfriend when I was 15. He was 15M too. He was the second boyfriend I've ever had irl, and the first I barely even dated.. I was honestly not that good to the first, since it was a middle school relationship.

Anyways. I ended an online relationship to be with this boy after realizing my feelings, I didnt want to be a cheater and I didnt want to be polyamorous between online and irl. He seemed nice, a pothead but.. almost everyone is where I live. I didn't like his friends much, I was the quiet kid who didnt know anybody, and they were loud druggy idiots. Still, I dealt with them cause I liked him. He went by Pearl, wasn't his real name.
He was cute, long hair, glasses, baggy clothes- just my type. A little shorter than me too, if I remember right.

He told me when we got together he didn't care for PDA, and I didn't mind that. I mean, it wasn't really my thing either, I was shy. I didnt wanna bring him over to my house too early though, so one day I brought him into an empty hall and gave him a small kiss. Ever since, he started putting his hand on my thigh in classes we had together. Everytime he did, he inched closer to my privates. Until he actually touched me there. He didnt ask, and at first I didnt mind. I didnt know how to react, so I just copied what he did.

The first time I went to his house, we had sex. It was fun.. we were silly, and it was nice. He played music after and sang slurs he couldnt reclaim, I got on him for that. It was nice. But, he couldnt cum.
So a few days later, he asked his friend for "honey packs" I guess? Some sort of aphrodisiac, I assume. Only problem is is rhat he said *I* asked. So his friend came up saying "I dont got any honey packs in store for you, sorry" while my ex was late to class. I asked what he meant, he said I asked for them, yadda yadda
He then said Pearl was sending disappearing messages, showed me, I flamed pearl for it
That was the end

We had sex one more time. Consensual.

Then for two days, he came over to my house. The first day was good, we shared our feelings. Things he was scared of, I shared my favorite show with him, I comforted him, I cried for him. He told me he was an alcoholic. But then the second one.. It was nice at first. We played Persona 3. Then it all led up to dinner, lasagna prepared by my step grandma!

And then he took me to my room. He kissed me, he grabbed me, he rubbed into me, but it felt different. It was scary but.. looking back on it.. good. He closed my door till it was only cracked, he pushed me on my bed, he did so much. But then he lied next to me and turned on his side. Said "I can't do it."

I said "what?"

"Choke you."

Oh! Okay. Well he *obviously* means like a kink, right? I mean he just ate me out, that's what he *should* mean.

But then he choked me out. And i did the stop signal. And he stopped. But then he did it again.

I couldnt say stop.
Maybe I liked it.
I dont know.
All i could say was

"Are you doing this to get your anger out?"

He let go immediately. He sat up, he wouldnt talk to me. I remember his eyes looked dead. I had to comfort him that night, cause he confessed he was thinking about killing me during dinner.

And even after my parents had us cut contact, even after I moved schools. I missed him. I thought of him in the shower when I touched myself. I cried for him. I wanted to die for him. I still wish I died that night.
There were a few times I reached out to him later that year, but he moved on. He said he got better. I dunno.

I still think of him. Sometimes i miss him dearly, sometimes I hate him. That's all. My police case never got researched into, the detectives never answer my dad's call. Does this even count as SA?
Sorry. Yeah that's it. The only boy who ever loved me in person tried to kill me and I liked it.