Wife emotionally cheated i feel terribile and I'm obsessed

I've met this little anxious girl 7 years ago, I was confident direct and charismatic with her, we spent months chatting non stop, talking non stop and I slowly started to feel absorbed by her, she always wanted to text always wanted all of my time, all of my being and was jealous of my friends. Around year 2 she made me make a vow not to have friends of the opposite sex, and I honestly liked the rule, so I accepted It and asked her to reciprocate. I tried to introduce her to my friends (to me It was fine, i can be Friends with her girls and She can be Friends with my Boys, because they are trusted and they are my Friends First) but over these years but she always refused, so year three I decided to go on the yearly week we go together with my friends on a trip, She was furious, shut down communication and things started going downhill. Around that time i was still living with my dad. I have a sister and a Brother, she started making Friends with them, and I recently discovered She got a crush on my brother, She talked about It with my sister. She and my Brother chatted, my brother always saw her as a sister, he was sending memes and they talked about cakes, I didnt liked the fact but i trusted both. Me and my Brother got into phisical flights he was on medications and was violent and out of control, and he kept texting my girl, he once told her that I'm a bad person and that she should leave me. She started to get feeling for him and told him jokingly over a text, but he told her that he saw her as a sister and nothing more than that. Both didnt tell me anything untill 6 years later when my brother decided to tell me this.

When I heard It I was devastaded, She always has been symbiotic with me and followed me in every decision and even If I had the feeling something like that could have happened she initially told me I should not be worried about my Brother and that he told her She sees her as a sister. But she never told me She sent that weird message!

Around year 5 we started co-habiting I was paying most stuff and was bitter about It and resentfull, She got a job and on that very job this dude, 8 years younger than her started to try to win her, he brought sweets in lunch time and never told me. She started having friends and going out, i told her It was fine by me but only if She went out with women only, since She was the One putting the rule on years before. One day i saw her talking to another male coworker and I crashed out, I yelled at her and from that point on we became distant and I started ignoring her in the house and treating her with resentment.

Apparently She kept this other coworkers attentions and never told me, One time we were fighting, She went out with the work Friends and when this One coworker brought her back he tried to kiss her, She told me She impulsively turned, It landed weirdly on the check and got out of the car feeling weirded out. The next day she told him She Is already in a relationship and cannot even think about this things, but added that if things were different who knows what would have been. She confessed all this over these messages, im gonna post them under, i had to asked a lot of times, She felt anxious, fear and shame everytime.

"Look, I’m sick of this. Keep your useless truth, because it is useless, since it doesn’t change a damn thing. I don't remember how things started, but it was definitely as friends; in fact, at the beginning, when you used to get angry, it really was like that, and this whole thing hadn't happened yet. It’s true that things changed after that time you yellet at me, because I was trying to find friends for us and I was happy to be building a bit of a circle, and I wanted to share it with you. You started treating me badly, you screamed at me, you went days without speaking to me—on top of all the other problems we already had between us, and the fact that during that period I wasn't sure anymore if I still felt the same way, and this tense situation just fed into that feeling.I don’t know what you want to know. At one point, I was definitely attracted to someone who I saw was actively pursuing me, who wanted to spend time with me and everything else—what can I say. In reality, I didn’t even like him, because he was not at all the kind of person I could ever imagine having a relationship with in my life; that’s why I say I never really planned to replace you, like you say. In fact, I actually looked down on him a bit, but I liked seeing that I had a certain power or charm over someone again. Sometimes it felt like, deep down, I had to fake this interest, as if I had to romanticize it, but that it wasn't really real. That had become more of a mask too, rather than something that truly reflected who I was. It sounds awful to say it was just a distraction, but that’s exactly what it was. Still, for once in a long time, I felt powerful, and selfishly, I pursued it just to feel good for a while.But the truth is, deep down, my conscience absolutely wanted to keep the two things separate. I don't know how to explain it, but even just the thought of him texting my phone number, for instance, annoyed me because I saw it as a violation of my private and family space. So, I basically made him understand not to text me. The truth is, I didn't want it at all for those reasons. I don’t know why, but back then I felt like a fish in a net that didn't know how to make sense of its life or feel anything anymore, so I was thrashing around aimlessly, creating destructive and senseless situations just to feel less of the weight of this net tightening around me.Then nothing, in concrete terms, we would see each other to take a break, grab something to eat during those fifteen minutes, talk. Sometimes he would bring me things(food) I had mentioned in a conversation that I liked, and so on, and I did it once too. And honestly, the fact that he remembered those things had struck me, but if I think about it, that was the only thing, because otherwise he was someone totally incompatible with my way of seeing things—incompatible in terms of maturity, character, and so on. I basically considered him an inferior being. I know that, regardless, it felt good that someone wanted to spend time with me, and I started mirroring that desire simply because it made me feel good that someone was making me feel important at that moment.Then, well, maybe the thing I find hardest to tell you—you who think it’s God knows what—is actually that one time I suggested, almost jokingly, that maybe we could go grab an ice cream one day. But without any ulterior motive or anything, it was just because I wanted to spend time with someone who showed they wanted to. Because I felt lonely. But to be honest, inside myself, I immediately felt deeply sick and disturbed by what I had said, and I just let it drop. But then he insisted, and I realized that, truth be told, I didn't actually want to spend time alone with him, so I arranged to go out with Jenny and then told him that I was out with her anyway, and if he wanted, he could join us at most. And it was that time, when I was coming back home in the car, that I told him that thing. Which was a crazy thing to say. Because I remember Jenny and I had had a drink, and if I hadn't drank, I know I would have never said that. Then the next day was when Jenny and I went to the pool, I think, and that evening we went to eat pastries at his place, and then when he brought me back, that’s when that thing happened in the parking lot.(He tried to kiss her) And that's it, those were the only times we saw each other outside of work, and never alone in the end, because actually, the mere thought of it made me uncomfortable in a corner of my heart. And then things happened exactly how I described them to you, nothing happened between us. But then I lied to him because I didn’t want to lose the attention. At that moment, I realized I didn’t give a damn about him, to be honest, and that if I had gotten to that point, it was definitely because things were going badly between us, but that I wasn’t interested in him as a person at all. Still, I remember I kept him on the hook a bit and basked in my position of superiority; I even made fun of him for what he had tried to do.And the second thing I find hardest to say is that I said something I didn't mean at all, just so he would keep giving me—even just as friends—that attention I still felt I needed. And so I told him that it wasn't that I didn't want to, but simply that a person can’t even think about these things when their mind isn't free and they are already in a relationship. That if maybe things had happened in a different situation, who knows how they would have gone, but that wasn't the case and so nothing could be done about it. And maybe this is the thing I am most ashamed to admit: the fact that I said things in a single moment just because I felt I had to say them for [my own benefit], but in reality, I didn't believe them at all; I knew they were fake to the core, I knew it from the very beginning, honestly.But at the same time, I had said that I cared about my relationship and that I realized that if things had gotten to that point, it was mostly due to deficiencies I was feeling in my own. And that was the thing I felt I truly believed while I was saying it. And I know I couldn't wait to never have to see him again, that I thought of it as an immense relief because it felt like I had slipped into something I couldn't get out of with my own willpower. I’ve always felt like I just had to accept the things that happened to me. Now is the first moment in my life where I feel I can actually move the way I want to. And I was so relieved, honestly, to never have to see him again; I never thought about it even once, only when I reflected on everything that had happened and I started feeling an immense sense of guilt, and also hatred toward him and myself for how I had behaved, feeling awful for months over this.Every night I would hold you tight and I felt like crying because I couldn't wrap my head around how I could have done something like that to you, that I loved you and I didn't recognize myself in my past actions. And I find it so hard to talk to you about it because I feel like it wasn't me, and because I realize how much what I was doing was in total contrast with what I actually wanted for real, with who I am, with my life. I feel terrible talking about it, and even worse knowing how you might feel because of this. But I know that until I told you all these things, we wouldn't have gotten anywhere. It's just that it was already hard enough to say it, I don't want to talk about it anymore, please"

She Is spending all of her money on me now, all of her free time with me, she Is going to therapy and in Truth i really do love her, but i'm hurt, real hurt and I truly don't know if I am a fool returning to his errors like a dog comes back to its vomit