My family is as supportive as a wet sock.

And that is putting it lightly, because i don't even want to curse. It would be different if they would be trying to understand but couldn't grasp the concept, but no - genuinely they behave like my struggle doesn't exist all together? Scars on hands and legs?Just there. Papers from psychiatrists and a psych hospital?Probably a trinket for them or something.

What pains me the most is how selfish they are. Maybe it's not exactly an accurate word (English isn't my first language ) but what i mean by that is that they all live in their own respectful bubbles. Always using me as the one placeholder to whine about their life to,speak about.their achievements or about anything that their brains come up to.

I can't complain to anyone like this,can't whine,can't even say that I'm feeling bad because I'm met with silence. I know,there is nothing that they can advise me when they don't know how i feel,but these people are the same ones that will be the first to say "oh I had an episode where I was tripping balls",while it's completely not the same thing.

None of them had to deal with negative part of this hell,thinking that I don't know,feeling anxiety near people is being severely paranoid. None of them had to feel their limbs being too heavy,brain too foggy,not eating but knowing you should - just not getting to do it,scrambles thoughts, scrambled notes, the feeling of shame for thinking and knowing that I became dumber as my cognitive functions dropped. None. Of . Them.

While they weren't and I wish they will never be feeling like they cannot look at pictures of people because they are reading their minds.

I can't complain,I can't complain but will always find someone in my family or friend group that will try oddly complain about the same thing that I mentioned days ago.

For example ,I address my hallucination once, just to cope ,being like "man,get out of my kitchen,who the hell are you?",and then next days I will hear "I'm tripping and seeing [Insert thing there]", or "I was standing there and looking through the window ,zoning out"

When I mentioned doing it once,not even zoning out part. Just walking around my house when I was left alone and hearing my family that left for shopping. I was just standing,which I referred to as "hitting Michael Myers pose". But I'm making jokes for myself to cope with myself.

And the dumbest,most ironic part?Those complains are going to me. Where I can't even mention how I feel and what I see. They expect me to care and say something "supportive" to the seemingly same struggle I never got proper support for. The same struggle they refuse to read my papers for.

I am so tired of cattering to everyone's emotional needs just to feel like I matter in this family. Just to try and fight off this "they all hate me and I should die" thought my brain slides me as a daily special. But I'm not a confrontational person. While I speak out people lash out and treat me like the devil itself (relative doesn't speak to me at all because I dared to criticise him.)

While they can talk it through between themselves, I have to make a reddit post. Because when i don't attend their complain talk they will just find another person that will. I do not matter,no matter how much they tell me they love me.