Attempted suicide

Exactly two weeks ago I attempted to commit suicide by hanging. I grabbed the first rope in my garage, made a makeshift platform, tied a noose and just stood on an gas bucket with a noose around my neck for maybe 5 minutes.

I tought my life would flash before my eyes, that my brain would fight my decision, but the only tought that came to my mind was that I was living on borrowed time for a better part of my life.

I just did it, I wanted my pain to stop, after almost 13 years of fighting this shit I deserved some rest.
I just kicked the bucked.

But the rope broke.

I had a panic attack afterwards because I didnt think I had the guts to do it. Crazy thing is, I grabbed the rope with both my hands and it could hold my weight.

After I calmed down, my first tought was that I know where I keep my rope for camping, and I knew for 100% that would hold my weight.

But I just couldnt try again, like I got some inspiration to live. I dont know where from, all I knew in that moment was that I need to atleast do some things of my bucket list.

I grabbed some essential stuff for travel and just went for it. Took a bus to Milano, tried Italian pasta, went on a plane to Lisbon, tried surfing in the ocean, from there took a plane to Amsterdam, smoked some weed and fucked a hooker, from there took a bus to Germany, where I am currently.

It didnt fill the void even a little, it was like throwing pebbels into a black hole. Everything felt dissapointing, it just stunk. The pain wins everytime.

I ran out of money, my family and friends keep calling but I think this is the end.

Hope you all have better luck