lifelong OCD and now possibly pOCD(? i hope)

ok, so i (21m) believe i've been dealing with severe OCD for most of my life. starting at i think 6 years old or near that, there was a point where i would repetitively tell my mother "i love you" constantly because i think i imagined her dying or something if i didnt.

and at 12 and 13, i also used to clean/wash my hands nonstop, i seriously never had any good self-control for it. for the contamination OCD it was to the point where they seriously bled which was pretty painful at the time and i think i only got over that at maybe 14.

however what i'm dealing with now is worse than what i've ever dealt with before.

so at 16 i started getting addicted to rule 34 art/hentai, i had apparently been so conditioned to the content that for messed up stuff i would basically ignore the awful parts and just get off to the presence of it being pornographic art and i'd focus on the basic aspects of it and basic aspects of the characters.

this went on for a while i until finally realized what was wrong and stopped my compulsive porn consumption at 21 which was after YEARS. so this went on for stuff like young teenaged characters and l0li and i think sh0ta which seriously concerns me every single waking moment as that shit is basically drawn cp. i don't really get the people (PDFs) that want to defend that sort of porn.

as i said i think a lot of it was out of impulse and being conditioned to hentai and not thinking of the implications so much, not to mention the disturbing/p3do-adjacent stuff wasn't the majority of what i consumed but it's seriously disturbing and hard to manage imo.

also, a lot of these same characters i searched for were drawn as clear adults in some pornographic material, and depicted as children in other material though i had ignored that part (not got off to) and pretended it was the same as what i saw before. once again i think i was so conditioned to this crap that i didn't really get off on how different it was when it came to the p3do-adjacent art. just that it was hentai/cartoon porn.

i don't think in my head i got off to the idea of it being kids but to think i was so conditioned to cartoon pornography that i was compulsively looking at all of these characters all the way up to about 19/20 without thinking of it fucks me up. there were also some seriously concerning storylines tied to some of it too that involved things like rape but i'd go through it also ignoring those storylines and i believe i NEVER got off to the context of that and i found it unsettling even then, as i've been saying it was just me "filtering out" what disturbed me through being conditioned to the porn itself but it's still mindfucking and i still recall some of what my eyes came across while doing that.

i can only recall some of what was written for those plots and it disturbs me remembering it even if it wasn't what i focused on at the time. some of these teenaged/underaged characters i was also familiar with and there were some i knew about only after hitting 18 and over, so it fucks with me more even if i was just treating them the same way as the adult characters through conditioning.

when i was 16, i also think i accidentally/impulsively did it to art to this one character while i was searching for her canonical adult part. like if i'm right i might've accidentally gotten off to art where she was meant to be like 12 over me prioritizing the hentai aspect of it and nothing else.

also when i was 17, there was also another who character was like that who i presumed or imagined was also 17 (like me at the time) in the art i was looking at, though that one must've been underaged there too. i think i just made a bunch of mistakes in that sort of manner alongside not really thinking of the contexts of the characters while doing it but honestly, it's still awful that i was impulsively searching for all of these characters like that and so on.

i completely understand the people that find it revolting and that whoever usually consumes it is just going to do it for the same reason they would consume real cp. i just don't know if i'm now potentially some sort of a p3do freak or a threat to kids.

i also asked somewhere about this before and i was told before that im not a p3do that's actually into any of that art and i just have pOCD. however it's still hard for me to not be deeply concerned and i feel like i seriously lost my self-image as a result of my porn addiction. is this really just pOCD?

or is this something i should genuinely be concerned about, considering the events were real?

i'll also state that on random social media sites i've been scared by sick fucks that have posted real life CSAM and it's unsettled me every single time. i know it sounds bad that i have to say this in the first place but i never ever found arousal towards ANY of that and it'd always get out upon seeing it and there was only one time where i froze up and i genuinely couldn't register that what i was seeing was real, the imagery of the one i stood in shock seeing in particular also haunts me.

honestly it's pretty hard to live knowing that i basically did it to cartoon kids even if i believe i wasn't actually getting off to the idea of them. i really want some sort of certainty on this and really i think of this every single time i get up, the only moment i feel at peace is when im asleep.

even a few months ago when i relapsed i'm not so sure i was being careful enough. after remembering all of this horrible shit that i recklessly used to look at, i think i looked at something that contained some other really young teenaged looking anime character not having paid attention to her proportions properly, though at the time of doing that, i think i just went off to finish in my bathroom basically only slightly thinking of what i looked at and i presumed she was meant to be an adult. even if this is some really stupid small mistake it still gets to me tbh, i think something like that might've also happened twice more recently.

and yes, i know this is all too much information and it's probably going to sound ridiculous, but on the side i also think i had some sort of a weird erection towards a clip i came across of another teenaged anime looking girl like that who seemed to be masturbating. i don't think i really got an erection towards her in specific, but i got one because it reminded me of the act itself and that genuinely also freaked me out and it had me worried if i was attracted to her. aside from those things happening, the only other questionable thing i got off on more recently were like other teenaged anime characters though those were proportionally drawn as adults and i don't think i had anything to worry about there.

also months ago, i think as a compulsion i checked back on one of the gross l0li p3do things i recklessly looked at back at when i was 17 just to see if it was somehow even worse than what i remembered, it seriously wasn't for any sexual intents and i remember thinking of how disgusting it was when i looked at it again. for that specific one i remember feeling gross and unsettled even back then even if i was trying my hardest to ignore how disgusting it was.

i seem to self-reflect constantly over this and it doesn't really seem to end.

anyways, all of this is seriously exhausting. it might've tainted some of the media i used to enjoy since now i just think of all of this when i see some of it, i was told that i can't let it weigh me down forever but it's just so hard not to ponder on all of this. this honestly ruins my enjoyment of life. i just needed to get this off my chest in this moment.