Can anyone with lived experience help me back to Islam?

Salam,

Trying to keep this short and brief as I don’t want to dump a lot of information.

I was born a Muslim (F) and encountered a lot of difficulties (spiritual abuse, SA, abandoned and in foster care, physical abuse and more). All of this led to strong mental health difficulties since the age of 12 and now I’m nearly mid 20s I had been on medication for 10 years (until last year) and also sectioned 2x. I have no family either. I do have a job and I study and live with a flatmate.

I deal with SI a lot (nearly every day mostly passively) and I somehow keep finding myself drawn back to Allah. I struggle to connect with other Muslims around me, they don’t seem to have the same depth as me which is okay. But I would really like to connect with religion and its guidance/teachings again.

I struggle a lot to even listen to the Quran due to the abuse and my own neurodivergency means I can’t focus

What steps can I take?

The mosque in my city has a lot of safeguarding issues (particularly for women) so I don’t feel comfortable going there.

Online I find conflicting perspectives and information

I find when I talk to people without lived experience they don’t understand it as much or those who don’t understand what CPTSD sort of just say pray and you’ll be fine

My life is a mess and I keep thinking about Allah and the qualities of love, patience and just that I try to embody but I feel I am missing so much

If there are any people online you recommend who may have videos in regards to things like this, please share. I particularly would like to see female perspectives too