When will we be the same?

Had DDay about a week ago now. I knew he was addicted but he told me he’d quit and I hadn’t seen the full extent of it for the first year of our relationship. It’s a lot worse than I thought it was.

He’s downloaded the Quitter app and is on day 4 now of being sober. He told me he’s feeling a lot better and he’s confident that he will never go back and he will fix things. He’s been feeling super guilty and I can tell because he’s been so nice to me. Constantly complimenting me, looking me in the eyes and crying because he loves me so much, buying me little treats “just because”, planning dates and insisting on doing every little thing for me. I feel like a dog that’s about to be put down. I just can’t believe any of it. Even the look in his eyes when he’s being “enamored with me” looks rehearsed. I can’t reciprocate, I just half heartedly tell him I love him too because I’m not sure if I do anymore and that terrifies me.

I used to think he was the best man I’d ever met. And now I find out he’s just like every other man who’s ever hurt me. My respect for him is gone. My attraction for him is gone. Sex is painful now because (TMI) I’m tense and it just won’t happen. If I start feeling aroused by him like before, my mind instantly reminds me of what he was looking at, and how long he lied to me, and every morning he turned me down to just go and masturbate to random girls, over the toilet.
But I’m also terrified to not have sex with him. I’ve been forcing myself to recently, even though I feel heartbroken and uncomfortable, because if I don’t pleasure him then he will relapse. His reason before was that because of my health issues and me not being able to have PIV sex for a few months, it tempted him into using porn to satisfy himself. (No matter how hard I tried. I really did try to please him outside of that.)

I’m absolutely drained. We went to a concert and he turned his head to the left briefly, looking at someone and my mood was ruined. I was obsessively looking over to see if it was a woman he was looking at. I hate who I’ve become. I miss being happy. I miss being in love. I’m just devastated. This is after a year and a half of being together, and I’m 21. What’s going to happen when I’m pregnant, or I’m tired from looking after the kids, or when I go through menopause? Will he start looking at porn again because he’s not “satisfied”? I can’t see myself ever being the same after this. I’m really glad he’s feeling better because I feel like he’s destroyed me for life with his gaslighting.