I decided to do a bit of baking. I don't do a lot of baking, because it involves measuring, and my whole kitchen vibe is "Meh, close enough" - which can be problematic when you have to use little measury things.

Muffins

I decided to bake some muffins, and you can bake along with me.

For ingredients, I start with the following:

• Burn gel, or sterile burn dressing
• Adhesive plasters in assorted sizes
• A smoke alarm

And now all you need are some cooking ingredients. And if you don't work in metric, or don't know what a tsp is, then you're just going to have to starve to death due to a shortage of muffins.

• 250g self-raising flour and 100g brown sugar
• 1 tsp ground cinnamon
• ½ tsp mixed spice (optional)
• 2 medium carrots, finely grated (about 200g)
• 2 eggs
• 125ml vegetable oil
• 125ml milk
• 1 tsp vanilla extract

If you can't lay your hands on carrots, then I would not recommend swapping them out with parsnips, because I tried that once, and the end result I could only describe as 'ungodly'.

Also, it's quite important to use chicken eggs. I realise that the above doesn't specify, but if you're using eel or lizard, things aren't going to be wonderful. Snail eggs are too small. Ostrich eggs are too big. Chicken lands in the Goldilocks Zone.

The Dangerous heating things up bit

Now we heat the oven up to 180°C - or if you're posh and have one of those convection things, 160°C fan.

Get a 12-hole muffin tin. If you don't have one of these, then you probably should have read down to this bit before starting, because you need one. Line it with those little paper case thingies.

The Mixy Bit

Mix the flour, sugar, and spices together into a large bowl. And by 'large', I mean, probably 2-3 times what you need to actually contain those ingredients. If you've gone immediately for "could probably use it as a jacuzzi", you've gone too far.

In another bowl, whisk together the eggs, oil, milk, and vanilla extract. Use a whisk if you have one, but you can probably get away with a fork if you don't. I don't, and a fork just takes a bit longer. If you have one of those electric doohickeys... well, I hate you.

The Poury Bit

Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients, therefore wetting the dry ingredients, and somewhat drying the wet ingredients. Stir the whole lot up until they're basically combined.

Fold in the grated carrot. And by fold, I mean don't over mix it. A few clumps of carrot are fine. But by the same token, you need to have properly grated the carrot. Slivers are fine. Chunks are not.

The real trick to baking with carrot is that nobody under any circumstances should realise that you've used carrot... so if they're half-way through a muffin and find half a carrot in it, they might exclaim something like "Why is there a f*****g carrot in my muffin?"
This is bad.

Now evenly plop the mixture into the paper muffin case thingumies.

The Bakey Bit

Now bung the whole kaboodle into the oven to bake for 20-25 minutes. They should turn a nice golden colour. You know they're done when you poke them with a skewer, and it doesn't come out with ooze on it.

When you've done that, carefully tease them out of the muffin tray (but still in the paper wossnames) and let them cool on a bench. Unless you have a Staffie, in which case, put them up higher than a bench, because that little bugger can reach surprisingly high for such a small doggie.

The Eaty Bit

When they are sufficiently cool, you may eat them, or feed them to people while making a point of telling them that you heroically baked them yourself. Accentuate that bit. If they don't seem appreciative enough, give them the one that's got half a f*****g carrot in it.