i’m sharply reactive and opinionated but completely incapable of debating with others and it makes me want to scream

i’m diagnosed BPD and bipolar II, and i’ve always suspected ADHD even though i haven’t been officially hit with that one. i like to think i’m at least somewhat smarter than average, but when disagreeing with someone, even if i know for a fact that whatever they’re saying is wrong, i always get hella bothered. sometimes it gets to the point where i can just BARELY hold it together. and even if i “won,” i always come out feeling inferior.

when it reaches a certain point, which it often does, it’s really a dice roll as to how i’ll outwardly respond. i might end up backing down or fawning, i might completely freeze up, or i just start yelling or crying uncontrollably. nevertheless, the emotions are always the same: anger, overwhelm, embarrassment, and regret (not because i feel bad for the other person - not usually at least - but because i felt wrong or stupid after the mental tug-of-war of second-guessing myself.) and it’s always a self-fulfilling prophecy: “this is why i hate people” or “this is why i never speak up for myself” or “this is why i don’t even try.”

i can’t stand it. i mean i don’t *want* to argue with anyone, but i want to at least be able to hold my own when it can’t be avoided. it’s really hard to bite my tongue sometimes even though i already know i’m ultimately sticking my foot in my mouth and backing my own self into a cage that i’ll have to break myself up into bite-sized pieces just to escape from.

i hate this. i hate it so much. i feel so inadequate, like a little kid who just broke their favorite toy. all the adults are laughing it off saying “it’s not that big of a deal. it’s just a toy. you can get another,” but it feels like they’re laughing *at me*. and it wasn’t just a toy. it was my toy. my favorite toy. *stop laughing. it’s not funny*… and here come the tears.

i hope my melodramatic little metaphors make sense, because it’s the best way i can describe how horrible it feels being stuck in a situation like this. anyway, that’s all i wanted to say. thanks for reading. stay safe, everyone <3