Ranting about life with a stutter.

The worst part about stuttering is not being able to say what you want to say, constantly holding back. I actually feel better when I join in on conversations and say what’s on my mind rather than hold back, well, depending on how people react to my stutter. But even then, I do enjoy talking to people despite my stutter. I find myself holding back a lot or staying quiet when I really want to talk and join in, and that’s probably why I don’t have any friends.

I feel like people don’t know how to react to someone with a stutter. Let’s be honest, who would want to be around that if they don’t have to? I find myself feeling embarrassed every time I stutter. I saw somebody on here say that if you’re embarrassed, that means you’re putting yourself out there and conquering your fear, so you should substitute the feeling of embarrassment with the feeling of accomplishment. That has stuck with me ever since.

I’m trying to think more positively, but it’s extremely hard. It’s easier said than done when you can vividly see the difference in how people treat you, perceive you, or even look at you. It’s like I can never be great. There will always be something wrong with me.

I have so many dreams and accomplishments I want to achieve, but it is so hard. Seeing other people thrive and speak so fluently, and then there’s me. I haven’t met anyone in my line of work who stutters yet. I’m in nursing school trying to become a nurse and eventually a nurse practitioner. I’m currently working as a CNA while I’m in school.

I genuinely enjoy talking to my patients, getting to know them, and helping them. I feel like my social skills are garbage, and I could do and say so much more, but I don’t know. I really want to thrive, become great, and do great things, but it’s sooooo freaking hard. I’m always going to struggle with this, and knowing I have a lifetime of it ahead of me is exhausting. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I don’t want to hold myself back anymore, but I don’t really know where to start. Everytime I try to go and not care about my stutter and try to thrive I always feel down at the end of it. Like… why me yk😔 I just want to be great.