I am having suicidal thoughts for awhile now

It's been there at back of my head for a long time now....but it's getting worse now...I have been practicing the act without any object for quite a few times now at night...idk what i should do, i don't wanna die ,just get relief...I was hoping after neet,cuet whatever it will be over i will be going to clg (be it pvt/govt and any course idc) atleast I will be having a new start after all these exams ,try to learn some new hobbies ,watch shows and i tried doing this ...but it's not getting better... actually it's worse than ever before...I just feel empty, guilt, random crying... I can't tell all this to ppl offline so I am writing this here...I have had history of childhood trauma , severe panic attacks with vomits, shiverings etc, weight loss, tuberculosis, OCD, bad breakup(it was my fault, I just can't be in normal relationships ,I find a way to fuck it up, be it frndship or anyother kind)... All this haunts me every night...and I feel ashamed for telling this to anyone irl or even whining out here, maybe I am just trying to seek attention idk ... Sry ....i am tired , my hands have turned white af because of ocd...lots of compulsions...atp life feels like a compulsion to me...