After 2 years, I [35M] got some explanation about my DB

As mentioned before, I've been in a DB for close to 2.5 years, with no real signs of that improving. But, the other day, while my wife and I were cleaning our closet areas (as we're getting them redone later this month), my wife discovered some old lingerie that had gathered a lot of dust, underneath a box. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen them, and I imagine it might have been either during our dating phase before we got married, or during one of the handful of times we had sex in the first few months of our marriage 6 years ago.

I made a joke about the lingerie to her, something along the lines of "maybe its a sign from God" with a wink, but she didn't really respond with anything other than a faint hum, before putting the lingerie back in the box. Considering how difficult I've found talking about sex, I didn't want to let the opportunity fade, so I asked her whether she ever thought about sex in general, and sex with me, and whether she missed it now that our child is 2 years old.

She told me that while she thought about it, it was never enough to really want to initiate or suggest anything, and that for a period of time, she wanted me to make the first move, and that as I didn't do that, she began to feel undesired, and grew resentful and angry toward me internally. The lack of making the first move also led her to get angry at me about other things, whether that was the mess in my office area (in part because I moved my stuff from my actual office to home so that I could take on more mental load), or not getting chores done on time etc. She was also angry at our past, when admittedly I was much more tardy and didn't really organise dates or vacations etc. Something that I still regret and have apologised for a lot over the past few years.

Most of all though, she said that her attraction to me lessened because I was less ambitious than I used to be when we first met. Back then and pre-covid, I had just started my own business working in the TV industry and it was probably the best couple of years of my life, as I got some big projects and got to do a lot of travelling and live a semi-glamorous life. Post- Covid, things in my industry changed and work shored up, and admittedly I had no idea how to handle it, and I became less career driven after I got married and had a kid. I still work and earn decent money and am not in debt or anything. But I am certainly not excited about the work I do, and I don't really have time to pursue other passions due to the responsibilities of being a parent. While my wife appreciates all of that, she said that it was this lack of drive, and subsequent lack of leadership, that has led to her not really wanting me or desiring me.

Im glad she told me this and there is some clarity to it all. But at the same time, I feel frustrated that she didn't really mention it until now, and that it felt like an indictment on me for things that were out of my control both economically and in terms of our own family development. It's also felt somewhat unfair; It's one thing to be jobless and play video games all day, but I still do work, and because I wfh, I also do childcare, house maintenance, cooking, cleaning and laundry, and arguably I can only do this *because* i'm not really driven by career goals anymore.

But perhaps this is a good starting point to try rebuild intimacy, now that I know what seems to turn her on.