Mom

I hate that I miss you.

I hate the abuse you let us suffer.

I hate the abusive manipulative behavior from you.

I hate that I could never save you.

I hate that I still carry so much bullshit on my shoulders from my past.

I hate that all of life has felt like suffering, running, or clinging.

I hate how hard it was to change or even recognize my own behaviors because of both of yours.

I hate that you still call me on your birthday to wish me a happy birthday even though you're blocked for years now.

I hate the amount of sympathy and understanding I carry for why and how you and him are who you are.

I hate that I love you anyhow.

I hate that it doesn't excuse any of it.

I hate how desperate I am to be loved because the two of you never could.

I hate how much I know to my core I will always be alone because of it.

I hate how I was born as a tool of manipulation and how much suffering you caused everyone from that choice including yourself.

Most days I just hate that I was born and that I'm so self critical I hate myself for even feeling that way.

I hate that everything just feels like self pity and reopened wounds every fucking day even with years of therapy.

Fuck you. Especially today.