Eleven years, mental break, lots to read soz

I joined r/divorce because I really need some .. insight? Discussion? Advice?

I dont really know, I'm struggling to navigate it all-

But here's some context.

I, a virgin meet my neighbour, we both absolutely hit it off, been mates as little kids as our parents introduced us to each other.

We got together. Snuck to each other's houses every night, having sex. (She is my first.)

Relationship was going good. My older brother had a kid, and she asked me the question: when do you want to have kids?

I was 20 at the time - barely figured out my life, never had a full time job always part time or casual.

A kid? Well, 27 if anything. Nothing earlier.

She hated that answer.

Fast forward to 22, she had gone out overseas to new Zealand with her girlfriend on a contiki - Allegedly. She had been raped after staying out by herself, and most importantly, nobody knows about it, and no police involved. ( remember this)

When she got back, she had a miscarriage. I was guilty, because she basically stated it was mine. So I grieved and apologised and took that mantle. For nothing.

To this day, shes unsure whether it was mine or the raper's.

NOW. 23, she fell pregnant. Definitely mine. I said, "no, I cant do this. I genuinely cannot do this "

And had a massive mental breakdown, I gave her an ultimatum. (I know this is horrible of me, but I did truly love her and I just could not do kids. She was aware of this)

She said, "im religious, and I lost one kid. I cant get rid of this one."

IDIOT ME. I DECIDE TO STAY. This is a pivotal point in my life I think. It was a nice thing for me to do, but what other choice would I have had?

Listen to my baby crying next door? Like what the fk.

Im a nice person so I really struggled there.

Anyway, fast forward again. We had another kid, because why not.

My personality has changed drastically, and I think I just rolled over. I changed my life, changed job, did all the adaptive things I had to do.

Our love life, TO MY standards was never enough, I always had to remind her constantly argue and say it was not enough, she used to convince me how annoying my libido was, how it is a problem I have to get fixed. Ect ect.

I woke up, one day, and was hella depressed. I had no idea what it was. I stopped going to work, started lying.

I went to a psychologist and I think that uncovered the roots for me.

Now im in a massive spiral.

My wife asks me, why? Why suddenly after eleven years are you leaving? We are separated for two weeks currently.

Im impulsive, right now, I think im gojng through a mental breakdown- because this girl who had been on my mind for years and years, the what if, reached out to me almost every year, and recently I acted out on it. And shes treating me so well, and I hate what ive done but now im tangled in a massive mess.

My wife declared us separated. But still seems like she wants to keep trying? Im so mentally confused.

Ive booked in my psychologist appointment tomorrow but my god. Im so absolutely lost.

Please give me some perspective.

This has also broken my family apart over it, everyone is taking sides.