I can’t recover and I’m confused

WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT INVOLVING MINORS

Okay, I want to start off with the obvious reason I’m here. Over 2 years ago, January-March 2024 I was dating my boyfriend at the time, he was 16 and I was 15 and he sexually assaulted me three times in those three months. Honestly I don’t feel like going into detail definitely not at this very moment but I hope you can get the idea. I had talked to him after every time and he showed little to no remorse just saying “yeah my bad, won’t happen again” and I accepted it because you know I was young and thought I was in love. I eventually broke up with him a month or so later after I came on here sharing my story and getting lots of advice to help me escape the mess I was in. It totally ruined me.

Now, over two years later I find that this ex has completely shaped my way of life, he’s prevalent in everything to do with me and has ruined any hope of dating since. I went to therapy for my sexual assault experience months after the incident after building the courage to open up to my parents about it. I thought I was better, I really did and I do understand that these things do mess you up but this feels so deeply rooted in me in a way I can’t explain.

I have only had two romantic relationships since this situation, one of which I couldn’t even look at him, I couldn’t touch him or hold a conversation, not out of awkwardness, I really did like him but it’s like my body physically pushed him away. He gave me a kiss before leaving and I felt physically ill, I ended things after the second date before it even became official. The second is ongoing and has been for a month now, again not official yet but I’ve just came back from my third date with him, and I find myself in the same situation, he’s too close, he’s talking too much, my body’s telling me that he’s pushing even when he isn’t, it’s like false alarm bells are going off like mad in my head. I can’t bring myself to even hold their hand or sit near, I love the idea but I physically can’t.

I’d like to mention something before conclusions are jumped to, no, I never had these issues before my ex, I dated multiple people before this ex and nothing was a bother. Ad no I’m not asexual or anything, because in my head I have the desire to date, the desire for sex etc, but once I’m in close quarters with someone, in my head they are a villain immediately.

I can’t date anyone I can’t. I feel horrible for the guy I’m going out with now because I’ve made him a monster in my head. Does anyone know what this is? Please help me.

I would also like to mention that I suffer with AuDHD and many sensory issues with that, I can confirm that sensory issues is not what’s causing it.

I hope everything I’ve said made sence.