Sister in law

My research brought me here, every story leads towards the family. I’ll try to summarize this one and hopefully understand if I’m doing the right thing. Sorry if it’s too long.

First time I heard about my SIL was when my partner told me she’s antisocial, lazy, in a context of being a burden, she was in her early thirties. I met her later that year, noticed that my in-laws used a strict tone commanding her to fill my glass, it made me uncomfortable. It was the first time I met them all so I was busy answering all their questions that felt interrogating. We rarely met them afterwards, until I was pregnant and then we would go once a month or so. I remember she’d come sit next to me and stare with dilates pupils, say something out of context while someone was talking. I took more interest when she mentioned feeling panicked, or waiting for me to leave so that she can take a shower because her mother is pestering her… even though we were at my boyfriend’s place separated from his parents house. I would sometimes go there to lie down for a minute and she would come sit with me so I’d get up and have a chat… I thought she was intellectually disabled because she didn’t understand social cues, seemed completely dependent on her parents, never worked and didn’t have a life of her own. She basically didn’t do anything at all.

At a gathering when I was super pregnant last summer with my partners friends, she suddenly had a reaction when I said we are planning to live in my house/city. Her blue eyes were so dilated they were black, her cousin was calming her down while she was almost shouting across the small table towards me that she won’t see the baby, we should live together so that she takes care of the baby and helps me. She never blinked. I calmly explained that I already have a 9 year old and can take care of a baby with my partner just fine, baby isn’t here yet so I’ll let the in-laws know if I need any help once the baby is born… it made her very upset. I knew she had psychosis because that’s exactly how my ex looked like before he attacked me physically. I was calm on the outside but I knew what I got myself into. I didn’t tell my partner until we got home, but that was the moment I understood that she needs help and nobody is addressing the elephant in the room for all of her 30 years.

Baby was born in September and they came to the hospital window for a brief visit, my partner wasn’t there he had to take his sister to the the restroom, when they came to the window she said she had panic attack that’s why she had to go. Few months later I let her hold the baby while I’m right there if something happens, few seconds later she gives him /his head almost dropping on her mother’s shoulder. Baby cries and my partner overhears from the next room saying she can’t hold him.

Around that time I spoke to two friends that are experienced psychologists, one is working with special needs children we call that defectology here not sure how it is in English. They confirmed it had to do with the fact that the mother is a nurse, she’s playing doctor in the house all their life, bragging to me about giving them all injections at home when they were sick.

My partner finally agreed that he’d talk to his parents about therapy, his sister’s needs, and human rights ffs. It took him months to get the courage. Their response was that she doesn’t have any diagnosis, they always hoped she’ll get better, and he can help if he wants to. That was like in February. Nothing happened, he spoke to them alone again, nothing. Months pass and I have a talk that turns into heated discussion, the father said it started when her friend stole her lunch money at age 8. She cried to the bus driver and that was embarrassing according to her father. She lost all desire for friendship so he took her to the school psychologist and they didn’t say anything about it. She didn’t want to go again and that was it, he didn’t want to force her, those were the efforts they just let her be. When she was 19 she had burst appendix and it made things worst afterwards. That’s why she’s coddled and can’t do any physical work, she applies for jobs but can’t pass interviews, she can’t lift any weight so the manual jobs are out of question. The mother in law was just letting out some awkward sighs like whimpering when I told them both she needs help, she can’t go herself she’s like a child. Her development stopped somewhere and mentally she’s probably regressing nobody knows how she is. I believed she’s intellectually disabled until recently…

I’ll continue with yesterday’s update in a comment in case this is too long, I apologize