Made it through the weekend without drinking/ RNY

I have this desire to drink and I kept telling myself I can drink on Monday and today I woke up and felt okay not drinking.

It’s this small desire that keeps nudging me. But I also feel sick immediately after I drink like a weird sleepy dehydrated feeling that lasts all day after I drink wine. I always gulp - I cannot be a wine sipper.

It’s funny because I drink everything else so slowly and I eat slowly.

Today the urge is much quieter. Part of it is because I’ve told everyone in my life I don’t want to drink anymore and everytime I drink I get VERY SAD and very weepy. It’s like I’m inconsolable.

For some reason my brain holds onto the version of me that felt relaxed like the off switch was flicked every time I drank.

Now it’s rarely like that.

It’s always fear of getting caught, micromanaging what I say and do and guilt. It’s never relaxing.

I used to do out of character things before but I chalked it up to “who I am” and some of that might be true but it’s hard to say when I’m inebriated. I certainly do weird shit sober but at least I know that’s 100% a choice.