I wish I weren’t avoidant sexually

I think this is very much a “grass is greener on the other side” feeling, but my CSA trauma has made me terrified and sexually avoidant. I know hypersexuality is more common, and I was that way as a child, but ever since CPTSD set in, I’ve been terrifyingly afraid of sex. This isn’t for lack of desire — I dream of a healthy relationship with a safe sex life. It’s about a terror so great that I essentially pass out and become a rag doll, and my fight response refuses to ever be that vulnerable again. I hurt too many people because I was afraid they’d hurt me or hate me for my hurt, and then dumped them promptly.

I know purity culture is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t predicament, but where I’m from and around friends/peers it’s always been shameful to be a prude. It makes talking about sex uncomfortable because in my head, I have had sex before — it just so happened to be the worst thing that ever happened to me and now I avoid it. I’ve had close friends (not knowing my trauma) spend so much time making fun of me for being “impossible to fuck” and treating me like a child whom they needed to explain sex to.

Sometimes I just wish I could be the type to dissociate while still sexually perform instead of the type who can no longer function as human. I wish I could just disconnect and sleep around. I wish I could appear normal even if I struggle with this part of my history.