Apple pie for dinner.

Today I saw my former boss when I was at the office. She was my boss before I got my promotion. A truly lovely woman and I really miss working with her. 

She looked shocked to see me and said how tan I had gotten. Asked if it was just from summer or if I went away. I told her I went away on vacation to Antigua recently. 

She then asked who did I go with. Tiny gut punch to my tummy but I remained smiling/looking confident because I knew what was next. 

I told her I went by myself. She looked at me like everyone else does, in complete total shock mixed with fear. She said wow, I’m sooo brave. I said how it was my 5th visit and I see my friends there that I’ve made from visiting before, so it’s almost like I didn’t go alone. All of that is true. I hate lying even though it would be so much easier to say I went with \_\_ and be done the convo. I switched the convo to ask about her upcoming travels. 

The thing is, it absolutely sucks to be looked at like that. It reminds me that I’m completely and totally alone. If I don’t go on a trip with someone, then I \*don’t go\*. I just can’t wait for someone to magically want to go with me. My mom and I have travelled together when we could both afford it. None of my friends ever want to go as they can’t even be bothered to meet on a weeknight since it meant time away from their partner. I have tried making new friends but it’s the same pattern every time with male-centredness. I feel like the last single woman in the city. 

I had a bittersweet time when I was there, like I usually do. I thrive and enjoy the beach surrounded by nature, quiet and peaceful. I am giddy inside even though I am by myself. Then, the men come. I’ve stopped wearing bathing suits my last few trips. I wear a rashguard and a swim skirt. Another old ass man traveler tried to get fresh with me and got actually annoyed that he always sees me covered up in long sleeves and in a towel on my beach chair. 

Other men force conversation onto me and follow me as I walk to where I’m going surrounded in a bright public place. I get asked all the time why I am without a husband or boyfriend. I lie and tell them all the time I am married. But because they don’t see a male next to me, they don’t respect me at all. 

One man in conversation who seemed to be rather decent and I thought we could potentially be friends, said to me with all seriousness how weird I was. Not in a flattering way, but an actual what-is-wrong-with-you. He said he doesn’t see a limp in my walk, weird eye and that I was gorgeous (how fucking offensive btw). Why don’t I have a man. It sucked and I moved on quick.

I hate seeing women look at me in horror when they learn I’m by myself while they retreat to their husbands. 

I have been abandoned by men I have cared a great deal about. My ex was someone who seemed like once in a lifetime. Someone who right all wrongs and who I felt totally loved by and safe with. I was always fiercely independent and he came in like a breath of fresh air I’ve never felt. After a year of dating, leading me to believe we would be married, he dumped me because his mom and sisters just did not like me. In fact, they don’t like any woman around their brother/son. This grown ass 35 year old man, dumped me over that. 

I still get so shocked and feel physically altered by the shattering pain of the loss and devastation of losing him. I’m glad he’s gone in many ways, as I firmly don’t want someone who doesn’t want to be with me. 

I keep reading stories of how people glow up after their breakup, a year later met their spouse, etc. just up from here type shit. That has never happened to me. That is not even within sight for me. 

I live in the most ghetto city where everyone is on drugs or already married. Every time I see an interesting looking man out in the wild, hell even in Home Depot, a wife/gf soon turns the corner. It makes me laugh sometimes!

I have tried online dating many times. I’m not on it after some poor experiences a few months ago. I’ve never felt less motivated in my life to go talk to men in the dating pool. 

I wish I were loved and had my own bf/husband who is kind and good to me to travel somewhere wonderful with.

I wish that men did not force themselves onto me as they pleased when I saved up my heard earned money to travel. Regardless of the country and even if I look like a local, that I’m still a second class citizen as men and women alike remind me that I stjll need a husband-babysitter or there is something terribly amiss here. 

I wish that despite the internet convincing me that solo female travel is totally normal, that I actually met another solo female traveller and that the public didn’t react so shocked. 

Still I will travel again the next time money allows. 

My boss asked me who I went on vacation with.