I think I may have a ed?

So, I always had a weird relationship with food. Like, sometimes I'm so upset I can't eat, but sometimes I'm so anxious I need to eat everything. Both of this things don't happen all the time, so I never thought much of them. Problem is, I always had a problem with my body, and I guess I just kinda ignored it until now. Like, I was called fat a lot as a kid, because unfortunately I grew up with a curvy body, my thighs and butt were always bigger than the ones of the other girls. I remember being so jealous of the thin girls, I felt sexualized and extremely ugly at the same time. (I actually consider myself non binary nowadays, but at the time I thought of myself as a girl)

Some time ago, I started taking medicine for my anxiety, which made me lose a lot of weight. In that moment, when I realized my tights getting smaller, I felt incredibly happy. It came to a point where my mom took me to a doctor and they changed my medicine, because she thought I was looking too sick. That made me upset, but I didn't say anything. Recently I've been gaining some weight back, my mom talks about it all happy, and I know she doesn't mean it but it makes me feel like shit. Sometimes I try to go the longest time without eating, but unfortunately it never lasts too long because of some healthy problems I have. Basically I can actually pass out if I go too long without eating, and I don't want that, I especially don't want to worry my family. This made me think some stupid things, like "I'm so weak that I can't even develop a ed properly" which is absurd, I know, but I guess my childhood was a lot like that. It's also annoying because I already can't exercise like a normal person, and I don't like a lot of health food because of my selectivity (I'm autistic, so I dislike the taste and texture of a lot of things)

Anyway, I just feel stupid because I'm not >!overweight!<, I'm actually almost >!underweight!<, but I still feel so big, like no matter what I do that's just my body and there's no real way to fix it. I guess I also kinda hate it because of how "feminine" it makes me look, which is why I'm always wearing baggy clothes. At the same time, I feel like I don't allow myself to be feminine because I would just look pathetic, not pretty.

Anyway, sorry about how long that is, I just felt like I needed to get this out of my chest