I have until Friday

There’s seventeen days until my seventeenth birthday but i genuinely can’t wait like i had planned to, I genuinely can’t think of a more literate(?) way to describe it but I’m just so sad.

I know that it’ll really hurt when I do it and I hate pain which is contrary to popular belief with what I do to myself, but I have three full packets of prescribed allergy medication along with painkillers which I know will do the job. I’m really scared and i genuinely don’t think that I want to die and certainly not like this but I can’t cope with feeling like this anymore and I have no future.

I used to have so many dreams, I wanted to work in the UN in the future and go to Cambridge uni - I was on track to be able to as well. My grades have plummeted from A*’s to B’s because I don’t have the energy to study, all I do is run, cycle and stay awake all night thinking and spend the rest of the day in the dark in my bed. I’m so fucking miserable it’s untrue and my parents don’t even like me anymore.

One minute I’m feeling okay-ish, and then the next I just want to die and I’m just awful to everybody and cutting and throwing up everything I eat, and then the next I’m absolutely joyous and I’m up doing anything and everything. People just think that I’m doing ok and I’m just a little stressed with school, I’m usually fine in front of my friends.

I feel the most guilty about what this will do to my friends. I hope that they’re angry at me, I don’t think that anybody will see this coming and I don’t think that they’ll find out that I’m gone until September since sixth form breaks up for summer on Friday. I’m such a horrible person for doing this but it has to be done. I hope my parents are even more angry than my friends are, I think they’ll be glad in a way, like at least they’re not having to deal with my moods and they don’t have to pay for my university. They offered to pay but I know that it’s probably to get me out of the house, we all know that I’d be even more of a mess at uni than at home anyways.

I googled what would happen if I took what I’m planning to take and essentially it seems that it’d cause enough damage, I don’t know if the initial amount would kill me but i think that the side effects would, albeit painfully. I’m probably going to hell for doing this, but i probably would’ve been headed there anyways with everything that I’ve done - I’m horribly moody and the mess that I’ve made to my body through cutting and everything else is practically sacrilege.
I posted my last article on my blog on attitudes towards women’s rights issues internationally within consumers of UK political media online today - quite a wordy title but I can’t think of anything else which would be catchier and still fitting. I went out for ice cream with my best friend, I got strawberry with sprinkles, and then talked to my head of year about uni, nobody knows that I’m planning this and I feel very guilty for who’s going to find me. I think that I’ll at least try to make myself look nice beforehand so I don’t look as horrible when they find me. I still have notes written from a few months back when I pussied out but I think I need to rewrite them and apologise for everything that I’ve done and not done.

I have letters written too which are a totally different thing, i started writing them last year when my great uncle passed and he did the same thing and I thought that it was a lovely sentiment - I didn’t think that people would be reading them so soon but alas. I’m a little sad that I’ll be disappointing people by doing this, particularly people who are like “you’re just like your uncle” (the one previously mentioned), but I can’t live like this. I’m also a little sad that I won’t get to listen to my favourite songs again and actually go to the phoebe bridgers concert that I spent practically an arm and a leg on, but the tickets can be sold. That can go to the funeral or something, I don’t even want one

I’m sorry that this is so long but I can’t really talk to anybody about this for obvious reasons and I’ve genuinely been awake for so long I’m so tired so I’m sorry if this is a little nonsensical