The scary feeling as a brown wife

I thought the excitement would fade after our first experience, but it hasn’t. If anything, I find myself thinking about it more often. The thrill of doing something so far from how I was raised is addictive. There are days I catch myself daydreaming about the next time and feeling that rush of excitement. At the same time, the fear is real. I sometimes lie awake at night wondering if I’m losing control or going too far. The guilt hits especially hard when I’m around family or doing normal traditional things.

It’s this constant push-pull: scared of how much I’m enjoying it, but not wanting to stop either. The contrast between my everyday brown wife life and this secret side is becoming harder to manage.