I've slept with 20ish women, despite feeling asexual.

I don't really have any sexual drive, and when I do, it's after a long term genuine connection has been established.

I've been on a lot of dates, and turned down sex or going back to their house, more than I've permitted it.

Despite this, i've found myself with a body count i'm quite ashamed of, and unfortunately don't think i'm worthy of the type of woman i've been so desperately searching for.

I was very strict with myself, holding myself to the same standard I hold others, but after 4 relationships that were built on their lies, I felt like i'd already cheapened myself to being a slut, and the standards I held myself to started to slip.

I crave love and intimacy, yet it ends up just being sex with women i couldn't see myself marrying.

Ideally I would have loved to have lost my virginity to the woman I could call my wife, but I was unfortunately raped by a 25 year old woman when I was 16 and homeless so I never got to have that experience either.

I really don't know what to do, women tend to not care about body count, or even prefer sexual experience, but I feel like I don't deserve a wife, for throwing my intimacy around so loosely. Will I ever find love, or will it just be this constant vapid repetition of women lusting over me. I'm so tired boss.