Fruit plate because I fucking love fruit so much

// sexual addictions, other uncomfortable sexual topics

I have sm to dump about this so skip to the next bolded section if you dont want the context!! 

My fiance, the lost of my life who I am getting married to in 37 days is a porn addict. Finally, we've got some real progress down but not without quite a few months worth of lies, hiding, relapsing, fighting, ect. He goes to therapy, we go to therapy together and we are working on being able to afford a CSAT. We are currently long distance but this ends so soon!

Ive never been okay with porn being used inside my relationships, but this isnt something I just spring on people randomly. When I met my now fiance I told him (just like ive always told any other guy ive talked to romantically) that I dont use pornography and I only want something serious with somebody that also does not watch it. He agreed with this, agreed that for him it was cheating, admitted he had in the past struggled with excessive use, and we continued to date.

I think it was about 6 months in that I discovered he had been lying for the first time. It wasnt a pretty conversation (I was pretty distraught) but a conversation was had and and it was chalked up to a very tame relapse, he promised me it would never happen again. 

Well, since then I have now found out two more times, with increased severity (more porn, more hidden accounts, ect) that he had been lying. Not two seperate lies, but two times I had found out about months and months worth of lies. Each time it obliterated me. My trust, my self esteem. The lying ended up hurting more than the porn. 

The second time I found out he promised to get help. No follow through. Finally the third time he let his therapist know and work is getting done. I know recovery isnt a straight shot 99% of the time but I dont even care. Im so glad there is finally real progress. 

# How its affected me sexually

Every other time we've tried to recover from this (porn addiction & betrayal), I would throw myself at him pretending to always be horny, sending him whatever he asked for, doing things I was uncomfortable with, all in attempt to fuck the porn out of him (gross way to say it sorry) 

It made me feel used, even if it wasnt him asking and it was just me overcompensating. It did not matter how much I sent him, how much I did, how much attention I gave him, it did not stop the porn. 

This time, I set a clear boundary: I will not engage sexually until the first thought I have when im going to engage with you is "hes so sexy" and not "what will he do if I dont do this?" ( it was a more thought out conversation with this but ive consdensed bcs this is already so long)

It feels good and also so bad. I finally feel stable again. In control of my own body. Like im more than just a way to silence an urge. But also, I feel like before I never really processed any of my emotions regarding sex. I didnt get to let it affect me and im feeling it all right now. 

I've never came by myself. Only with him. I dont know why I cant do it alone but Ive felt really safe with him and so the relaxation was easy. But right now im really craving control and so I was going to buy a vibrator today but instead I just broke down crying, I dont even know why!! It felt so bizarrely triggering. I also feel sick when I think about having sex, its not that im not attracted to him because truly he is so hot and we have the best sex ever but the thought of engaging right now makes me so fucking nauseous. 

Sometimes it feels like all of the safety in my relationship has been ripped out of my hands and we are building up from square one. I used to get sooo turned on taking photos of myself, but now I catch myself imitating shit that I knew he was looking at and it just makes me feel disgusting. 

I dont really know how to repair this, but i feel like im mourning a version of my relationship I thought existed, a truth about him I thought I knew, and a previously rather healthy relationship with sex. Alot of times I wish I had seen just enough to be proof of relapse, seeing absolutely everything was so damaging. 

Idk, hopefully im on the right track but its slow and steady for sure

**In the nicest way possible: i dont care what works for your relationship/you regarding pornography, please do not advise me on being "less insecure" or "less controlling"** 🙏 **thank you**

My relationship with sex has been screwed up