I feel like a horrible person for wishing my Pap would die.

I don’t know if the flare is right for this because my pap is still alive.

I also want to state that I love my Pap with all my heart and he was a huge influence on me being the man I am today as growing up my own biological dad was not the most emotionally mature person. This whole thing is devastating and I feel horrible even thinking this.

For the past two years my Pap has been battling Pancreatic Cancer and in the past 6 months it looks like he has taken a nose dive health wise. The man is 85 now, practically skin and bones, barely eats, and has to wear a diaper. Two years ago he was helping my mom fix her deck, gardening, playing volleyball in a seniors league, going on long walks. He was always smiling, loved trying new foods, and always had advice or a slightly inappropriate story to share. Even this time last year he looked completely different, sure he was slowing down because of the cancer, but he still had his appetite and hobbies, but now he just looks like a shell of himself.

His long time girlfriend is his primary caretaker and she can be a lot. She had a massive falling out with my mom and aunt over my Pap and his treatment, and the three aren’t talking. She is a hypochondriac and we think she has been very controlling when it comes to the doctor and his treatment but on the flip side my pap has always been a ‘go with the flow’ kind of man so she may have actually helped him live longer the last few years.

My mom and aunt think that it might be time to move Pap into a care facility that can transition into hospice as it seems like he is just going to keep declining, but I suspect my paps girlfriend wants to keep taking care of him in her house until the end. I can respect that and I can only imagine how hard this is for her as her first husband died in a similar long drawn out manner and she sees him every day. I also can’t imagine how my mom and aunt feel about all of this.

Although she, his girlfriend, recently dumped him on my aunt for a weekend, and left his luggage in the driveway because she needed a break. My aunt had to scramble to get him because my mom is currently moving and couldn’t be with him and my aunt sells soaps and stuff at a farmers market most weekends. Apparently she has plans for either my aunt or mom to watch him for a while later this year again while she visits her grandkids in Florida. The Florida thing is all speculation but I wouldn’t put it past her.

This whole thing is one reason my mom and aunt think he should be in some kind of assisted care facility but his girlfriend vehemently disagrees. My mom and aunt also can’t petition for guardianship or anything because his girlfriend is taking care of him, it’s her house, and there isn’t any sign of Paps mental capacity being compromised.

I don’t want to get in the middle of it and I know I don’t know all the information but I almost wish Pap would die just so he can be at peace. He is such a strong man and I know he wants to keep fighting but from the outside looking in, it seems like he’s delaying the inevitable and making himself more uncomfortable in the little time he has left. If you saw him before you knew he always had an appetite, a smile, advice, and probably a slightly inappropriate story to share, but now he just seems like a brittle shell.

I just feel so horrible even thinking about this and I’d never say any of this to my mom, aunt, or his girlfriend, as it’s not my place, but I had to get it off my chest. I wish he would get better and go back to his old self, but it’s not gonna happen.

Thank you for reading.