I wish I could forget you

I forgave you once, I never told you. Life passed and I forgot about you, but on my darkest days, when I longed for a mother’s love, i thought of you. Those were the only times I thought of you. The letter you wrote telling me you were proud of me, the tender kindness and love was palpable. A warmth that flooded your soul. How a mother should have been. How you were for a time. Such a short time. Now I must navigate such a long life with only a whisper of memory tucked far away. A memory that makes me feel like I’ve betrayed them. I’ve betrayed myself. You were a young mom. Living life for the first time. How could I blame you. Oh, how I blame you. I understand how it happened. I don’t understand why it happened. Why us. Why you. Why her. Why him. Why me. Why me. I am not the victim. So why was I afraid to come home?
That woman you were is long gone, I have not recognized you since I was child myself. Startling to realize but it’s true. A teenager, maybe younger. Definitely younger. Do you regret what you did to your son, to your daughter, to your daughters. I thought he had it worse, then I realized I was wrong and the baby, still a baby had the worst child hood. She never knew you. Not like I did. You scared her. You scared me. And then you had to show up again and prove us wrong. What you did to my sister. The irreversible damage to your own daughter. I don’t understand how I can hate someone so fully and be so sad and desperate for you to admit it. How I would break every bone in my body. If I could just hear you admit it. I want the world to know how evil and depraved you are. Can evil live inside someone so long and not show its face? But you did show it. Time and time again. But I was your daughter. I thought that was what love was supposed to be. I thought that’s how life was supposed to be. I hope you become so sober that you can’t hide from the truth of what you did. I hope you rot in a cell and you relieve the pain and suffering you inflicted upon her. I hope it drives you insane. It won’t though will it. I hate you and I miss you. I wish I could wake up and see your obituary. Or see your arrest. See you behind bars or in a box. I want you to pay for what you’ve done but you’ll walk away like nothing happened. Just like you walked away from the life you built. I wish I could forget you. I wish I could forget you because I hate you. But the evil in you is not in me. I was so afraid that deep down my soul was rotten, so afraid that secretly, deep down buried in some subconscious space that I would wake one day and I will do evil things, that I would hurt the people I love. But I realize now I was so afraid I was you. I was afraid of you before I knew who you truly were. Before I understood what you truly were. I wasn’t afraid of me. I was afraid of you. How dare you make me feel that. How dare you make me so afraid.