It always comes back

Ok so I think the hardest thing about being chronically depressed and suicidal is that you still have to show up in your life. That shit makes me want to kms even more. Today I called in sick for work, third time since I started this job in may. On Friday I had a meeting with my manager where they basically told me I was bad at that shit lol.

Monday comes and I know should go in, I know it, but I haven’t slept all night and I’d been keeping the thoughts at bay all weekend. Self soothing by reading shitty books and buying garbage food/ locking myself up. I didn’t show up, I called in but I didn’t show up and the shame of it is so great but at the same damn time bloody hell. I’m always fighting this shit.

Always trying to not take the plunge and the thoughts have been worse the past few months. More incessant, more rooted, more maybe this will be me for the rest of my life. I love life. I really do, I love the sun and it’s warmth on my face each morning, I love the easy life I’ve built with my best friends, I love that I’ve been blessed with the gift of resilience. But I don’t love the emptiness, the constant up and down, the rapid cycling of everything. I just want to be normal in this one wild precious life I got. To get up in the morning and deal with life without a rock on my chest. I’m ranting here but yeah I wish I didn’t have this demon.