Regret and confusion. I want to reconcile and he doesn’t (right now)

I’ll try to make this as short as I can. I could really use some prayers and some advice.

A year ago I left my husband. We got married at a local government building to buy a house together. He proposed a year before and my ring was beautiful. We planned to eventually have a wedding and never got to it. I left him. Not for infidelity, not for abuse. I felt alone in the marriage towards the end and I thought I wanted “more”. I followed him and his career and found myself feeling empty. He worked so much and loves his job. He did not want to divorce. He is also a Christian but not as involved as I was/am. I found myself often going to church alone.

He tried to fix things. Even after I divorced him and moved away he still tried. I pushed him away. Eventually in January I told him to stop trying. I tried “dating” but couldn’t stop thinking that I had made the biggest mistake. I could only think of him. I started going back to therapy (I was going around the time I left him) and was finally officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder (something my mother has as well) I’m now medicated and have been in therapy and the pain and regret of leaving him has just grown. I have been in church regularly and recently have even started attending small groups to grow in my faith further.

I started to reach out to him. He was still as kind and genuine as usual. On the phone I was about to ask him if I could come see him and talk but I was curious if he was seeing anyone. He said he was but it wasn’t serious. A few weeks later I wrote him a letter about all of my regrets, my apologies, how much I love him, how badly I want a chance to fix things. At first he was apprehensive to receive the letter but later said he had a change of heart and encouraged me to mail it to him. So I did. He read it and said he appreciated it. On a long phone call I learned he had made this girl his girlfriend before reading the letter. But despite my regrets, me writing about it, me telling him everything he said he still wants to see his current thing through (she’s widowed and I left him, so I know he is completely in the right) When I asked if he would be open to reconciling if he found himself single again he said yes. In a phone call a few days later I wanted to confirm that he meant that he said yes he 100% would be open to that but he wants to see his current thing through.

I am stuck in so much pain, so much regret, and still have so so much love for him. I thought of him all the time after leaving him, I heard his name in my mind all the time when I tried to move on. I ignored it. I have recently prayed relentlessly for clarity, for him to be happy, and at the same time for the chance to reconcile if that is in Gods will. Is this something I could discuss with the pastor at church for wisdom or advice?

I am so scared. I do all the things people tell you to do. Grow in your faith, hit the gym, therapy, work at your career, I’m getting my doctorate. But all I’ve ever wanted in this life on earth (I had a traumatic childhood) is to have a safe loving relationship. I know I have that in God, I know it. But it doesn’t stop my desire to have love here on earth with a man. Is that so bad? I had it. When I met him I KNEW God brought us together. I was so happy. I became lost. I became manic (debt, horrible decisions, falling back into worldly things)

I’m 31 y.o now. I’m so scared. Scared that this was my one chance. Scared that even if I can ever get over this I will never be able to remarry without being in a constant sin. Most terrified that me and him will not find out way back to each other, or not in time to have a family. When we split, his father told me (a very dedicated Christian) that God told him our story wasn’t over. I ignored it at the time. He advised me recently to clear my mind, put on worship music with no words, and ask God to speak to me (I struggle with discernment) I did and all I heard in my head was “he is for you” and I got chills. That’s it. I overthink, and I don’t know if that was my own thoughts or God speaking to me.

I would really appreciate any advice, any prayers and any wisdom. I am now leaving my ex alone, giving him space to be with this woman he is with now. Just going to church, working, trying to survive and grow in my faith. My desire to fix things with him and the regret won’t go away and even continue to grow. (I have been apart of Christian non denominational churches since I came back to faith about 6 years ago after being raised catholic but in the past year have gotten more serious which is when I really learned how sinful divorce is, not sure if that matters but thought I would include it)

Sorry this is so long, and I appreciate any words of advice!