do you even like people?

i feel guilty about this, because i'm not a misanthrope. i think people arent all that bad and i try to be patient and pay attention in real life, because you never know whats going on with other people. but at the same time im anxious, paranoid, avoidant. i feel like i am a lightning rod drawing lightning during a storm kind of sensitive, but its for other people and i dont know how to shut it out. i know im ill so its probably from the chlorine algae cocktail swimming in my brain cup skull, but when im feeling particularly bad and trying to thug it out in the car i forget all about all that, and that im not only feeling bad 'just cuz'. im running dry i think.

my mom and i were talking today, and when it was my turn to say something i realized she wasnt listening at all. and i just kinda stood there and thought, would we even like each other as people if we werent related? and then i thought maybe its me, because i just kinda dropped all my longtime friends after realizing i wasnt not that interested in them as people. and recently i left a discord of people after getting to know them for three months, because i just wasnt curious anymore.

it feels callous. im always curious about other people, i dont think they exist to entertain me, but i dont know why the wall keeps coming up. its like maybe im (possibly falsely) sensing a lack of interest, then my interest wanes especially when we start going through the motions. i know i should be socializing but im afraid i'll just end up leaving again. i used to disappear for months at a time then talk to my friends when i felt like it, but that really upset them, made them feel unwanted. but talking all the time makes me feel stifled at best, and ornery and stretched thin at worst. now im alone most of the time. i hate it sometimes, totally content other times. i want other people, i want to be present, i want friends and family, but theyre a Lot. when im with them i try to keep in mind what can i do to be present and make sure they know im listening and engaging. i know what it feels like to be ignored or left out and i never want other people to feel like that. hello, i am contributing to the conversation like a regular adult.

...someone recently tried to tell me that if i feel like leaving then i should just leave. and thats the issue, i tried to explain to her, im always leaving. im the absent dad of friendship. i'm trying to *stop* doing that. it feels cold.

but i guess my point is, damn does it ever go away, the feeling like im just tolerating and humoring the people i love? what is true connection? i dont even know what im doing it for. so that they go away and leave me alone sooner? so that they think im doing just fine and dont worry about me or feel disappointed in me? i dunno. i cant tell if i actually like people or if im just trying to treat my loneliness with a bandaid. ive been putting off making new friends.

even on the internet engaging with my mutuals, i want them to like me and i like seeing their wacky posts, but whenever one of them tries to talk to me 1-on-1 and become friends i ignore it. i get this sick feeling in my stomach, an aversion. i cant do it. i cant even call my sisters on the phone. i know i should but i dont. that feels like most of my socialization attempts, 'i know i should but i dont'.

i split so hard on my companion of ten years that i had to drop him entirely. i just stopped enjoying his company and i still cant figure out why. i couldnt see our future together anymore.

my mom bought me fast food today because im broke, and it was good. and i ate it watching tv and trying not to cry because i felt empty. food for listening to my mom vent about her work. it was a really good sandwich.