I'm tired of life. I'm tired of feeling this way.

The feelings of today will pass eventually, but then another day like this is just coming eventually as well. A day that makes nothing feel relevant, where there's no consoling me, where nothing is enough and the only relief is in hurting until it just stops. No rhyme or reason to it just aching until it goes away. My body feels like it's pulsing. There's a discomfort in my gut I don't really know how to describe. I guess a hollowness but it feels wrong. It feels like something I should try to remove. My eyes are heavy. My facial muscles feel like they're being pulled downward. It feels like there's something in my abdomen that's wrong. Something is tearing itself apart, but less dramatic than that.

What's the point even when this gets better and this period passes I know they'll be another one like it. All I'm doing is living to be miserable waiting for one of the waves to finally sink me. And I don't wanna hear about relation either. I could go back-and-forth for as long as anyone would like on why I'm not interested in whatever religion you want to try to sell me on.

I have no career prospects and there's no reason to expect my life to get any better from here on out. I'm only alive because of my cats because she won't let anyone else pet her the way she does me and I don't want to take that from her. All I can do is wait till one day I die in a socially acceptable way, and I can be done. The only thing i'm sure of that's ahead of me is more suffering. There's nothing I want do with my life except stop living it. I'm in therapy. I don't see any way that anything actually changes. I've tried. I've checked the boxes. I've done things that are supposed to fix you. They haven't. I hate being born a human. I hate the curse of having consciousness. I wish I could trade my life with someone who wanted to live their's.