Comfort in sadness

Does anyone else find a sense of comfort in their sadness? I’ve dealt with depression since I was in middle school, and I’m now late 20’s. I only started on antidepressants this year because my PMDD symptoms started to get really bad. Although they have helped a bit, I sometimes find myself missing the sadness that I grew up with. Like that feeling when you cry so hard that you fall asleep and wake up with your eyes puffy.. Or stay up all night crying until you hear the birds chirping in the morning and pass out from exhaustion.. I don’t know how to explain it but I’m thinking of quitting my antidepressants and just going back to feeling everything. I got used to feeling numb for so many years that I don’t “feel like myself” now that my mind is neutral most days. I still have the same sinking feeling in my chest everyday and feel sad about the same things, but it’s just more dulled. I want to go back to crying myself to sleep and shutting myself off from the world :):