First Time Discovery

TLDR: (24m+f) I found a log of OF links and searches for porn during a 2 year relationship, while we were having long term, unspoken intimacy issues. It’s been 36 hours since the discovery, PA admitted to problem immediately - going about 10 years back, gave space, and came back with a plan of action to enter addiction therapy and couples therapy, as well as be completely removed from social media. I’m feeling hurt and hopeful all at once and just need some advice, support, anything really.

Hi everyone, I (24f) never thought I would be here…but I think we can all say that. I’ve been with my partner (24m) for almost 2 years now. The way we met was electric, so much so the first thing I said about him, before I knew his name, was how I felt like he could see into my soul. He is the type of person that lights up any room he’s in. Funny, charismatic, sociable…personally he is kind, well mannered, compassionate, supportive…literally all the good things you could say about a person, he is. He makes me want to be a better person.

Throughout our relationship, there has never been any major arguments or conflicts. And any issue there was, was met with compassion, validation, and proven change. For example, I live alone and have been fully independent since I turned 18. While my partner and I don’t live together, he spends at least 65-75% of his time at my house. I have no issue with this, but I was starting to become mentally drained between working full time, taking college night classes part time, and taking care of my home and myself. I needed him to step up around the house. We had a conversation about it, and i havent touched a garbage bag since (and much more). Point being, I know and he has proven to be capable of change.

For about a year or so, I have been dealing with an undisclosed childhood sexual trauma coming to the forefront of my mind and kind of highjacking my intimacy capacity. Unfortunately, I am deeply ashamed of what has happened to me and have been carrying it alone for almost 20 years. I used to be more able to push the memories and physical reactions back down, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s harder and harder to ignore. I shut down from sex. I was struggling to make the mind-body connection and allow myself to actually be in the moment. It was and IS so frustrating wanting to have sex but not being able to get there mentally. We went from having a regular sex life (2-4 times a week) to maybe once every three months. I wanted so desperately for him to come to me and ask what was wrong. To ask why we weren’t being intimate. I felt like a I was about to burst at the seams with this dark secret, he made me feel THAT safe…but I needed him to ask…I wanted him to see and acknowledge something was wrong and I was in pain…But that time never came.

Within the past month, I was confiding in a girlfriend and lifelong friend (27f) about our intimacy issues. I remember saying something to the effect of - “I don’t understand why he hasn’t said anything, we’re barely having sex and not only as my partner, but as a man, he should see an issue with that. I just don’t understand how it’s not a big enough issue for him to want to talk to me”. Looking back, it’s all so clear.

Saturday night, as he slept beside me, I got the sudden urge for the first time in our relationship to look through his phone. His browsing history was completely wiped, but I found chatgpt and google AI chats looking to identify pornstars from a screenshot, and a loooooong instagram link history of OF girls. I got into his email and did not find any OF, XXX, PH, etc emails. I found passwords and got into his bank account, no OF transactions or anything like that, no hidden apps or photos, not even an OF app or anything like that. Discord was clean, but reddit did have porn searches. “Thankfully” it was all “normal” porn searches (mom bod, generic “porn”, etc). But I felt like I was hit with a bus, and then run over by a train or two for good measure nonetheless. What really killed me is the time stamps from the AI chats…as he was trying to see a random girls tits, I was texting him goodmorning, have a great day, i love you so much, im so excited to see you tonight….and i didn’t get a response for 30 minutes. What I thought was him getting ready for work, was actually ignoring my texts in search of another woman.

Yes, the porn is an issue and I do classify it as cheating (and he knew that). HOWEVER, I’m more hurt that instead of taking steps towards me, our relationship, having those hard conversations…he tucked tail and ran to other women. This feels like the world’s worst layer cake. I am one of those women who can’t fix her face to save her life…and the second he woke up he knew there was something wrong. I didn’t want to cuddle, I couldn’t even look at him. I wanted to disappear. I exploded about how I knew everything, and I watched the life leave his body. I’m not going to disclose all of the details, but we’ve been talking and working through this since Sunday at 2am (it’s Monday at 10:30pm for reference). Through those talks, we both discussed and disclosed very personal and vulnerable things. I told him what happened to me that is coming to the surface, and he told me about severe physical abuse from his father while his mother was sick and dying of brain cancer (she passed when he was 14, not even remembering who he was…it breaks my heart), as well as when he turned to porn. We both laid it all out.

He has only had one other partner in his life and it was from age 16-18. During this time, the girl practically bullied him the entire relationship, was cheating on him while refusing to have sex with him, and alot of other really hurtful things. This rejection and break down of his self worth turned him to porn. And that became his cope. He expressed profuse sadness, shame, embarrassment, and grief to me. He said he was tired of living like this and ready to give it all up.

I took some time to process everything, because I was in no headspace to make that type of decision right away and I didn’t want to make a decision out of fear or anger or trauma. We spend Sunday night apart and I did not go to work today (he did). I went and visited his mom in the cemetery, I had met her once before. I broke down on my knees and begged her to heal her son. To send me a sign, for guidance, for peace. I felt like a crazy woman screaming at the sky. I spent about an hour and a half in the cemetery, and during that time I felt clarity and compassion for the first time during this whole thing. I came to the conclusion that the only way I would be able to begin to reconcile this relationship and try to move on is if the following happened

1. He admits he is sick, he needs help, and most importantly, he is ready to change not just his actions, but his heart and soul

2. He goes to solo addiction therapy to work on not only his porn addiction, but the root cause of the issue

3. Once he is settled in addiction therapy, we will be going to couples therapy and working on repairing this betrayal, our communication, everything.

4. No more social media. He was primarily using instagram to find these women and fulfill those urges. It is toxic and the algorithm will keep you trapped.

After his shift, he came over and I gave him the floor (as I had done most of the talking, crying, and screaming for the past 36 hours). He sat there and cried and begged for help. That he was a weak man that wants to change his life, not just his addiction. He told me he was so devastated and ashamed of this situation that he deleted all his social media Sunday night, on his own accord. When I asked if he has looked at porn since I found out and forced his shame into the light (as by his own confession he was looking daily, more than once a day), and he said no. That he had become completely and utterly disturbed and disgusted by it and himself. The idea of that was disgusting to him, and that he was disgusted by himself enough as it was. I didn’t see a man anymore, I saw a sad, broken, hurt child that was just trying to regulate himself and ease some pain the only way he knew how. He enthusiastically agreed to individual as well as couples therapy. I want so desperately to believe he is ready to change and leave this all behind. To be the man I know he can be

Through my disgust, through my grief, through my own intense shame, I see a man and a relationship worth fighting for. We both have a lot of healing to do, and a long road to walk ahead. But I’m letting my hope be bigger than my fear. Love will always win.

Thank you to anyone who made it this far. I’ll try to answer whatever questions I can🫶🏼