I turned 20 today , and yet I just feel this emptiness inside me which doesn't really go away . I've been feeling like this for a long time , and i don't really know what's wrong with me . I don't feel like celebrating , i don't feel like going out . My closest friend gave me a petty excuse that her boyfriend has booked tickets for a movie and she can't come over today . And my own mother hasn't bothered to wish me , let alone gift me anything . My dad , sis and a couple of my cousins wished me , which did make me smile but it doesn't really last , the negative feeling always takes over . 

I was wished by a couple people whom i haven't known for that long , but it did make me happy and felt like i matter . But what baffles me is that the people I'm close with irl didn't bother to do anything even though I've tried my best everytime to wish them and gift them something special . Tried my best to make them feel special and feel loved . And i don't even feel like celebrating , i don't want to go and ASK my own mother to buy me a cake when she didn't bother to wish her own fucking child on her birthday.  

And at this point it feels like a ritual that i end up crying on my own birthdays , even though there have been people who wished and made me feel loved but i still can't get myself to feel better for a longer time . 

I know you'll say that "welcome to adulthood" and stuff like that , but it still hurts to feel this way . I sometimes feel like I'm overreacting and making too much of little things but i still feel that pain , that empty feeling and i don't tell it to anyone . Because then people would feel I'm seeking attention. Maybe i am , i don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I feel tired and drained . 

Turned 20 today , and i lowkey hate it