For context: I’m getting married in \~3 months. Small intimate wedding. I’ve always had a great relationship with my family, parents and 2/3 brothers are super excited for me and can’t wait to celebrate. Oldest married brother says he can’t commit to something so far out, doesn’t know what he’ll be doing them, etc. and no interest or excitement. He never actually said he isn’t coming, but also hasn’t reassured me that he absolutely will be there because I’m his sister, like our other guests have. 

My mom has three times now said that if my brother doesn’t come, she won’t come. 

The first time was over the phone. I was venting and she said if he doesn’t come, she won’t come. I asked why she would say something like that and she said she was just upset and didn’t mean it. 

Second time, she told me she was at my sister in law’s mom’s house and she said the same thing to her mom so “my brother would hear, feel bad, and come”. 

Third time, was this attached text where my younger brother told me she isn’t buying plane tickets until she speaks with my older brother. 

I called and said please just buy the tickets, he’s a grown man and can figure it out. I told her that I sent him an invitation and there isn’t anything more I can do. The ball is in his court. I also asked her why she keeps threatening or teasing the idea that she won’t come unless he does. I told her it hurts me when she says it and to please stop saying it, and she keeps doing it. She was more concerned that she didn’t say it the third time directly to me than the fact that I was saying i’m hurt. I said she was unbelievable and hung up, haven’t spoken in about a week. 

The joke of all this is my oldest brother most likely will come to my wedding and my mom is causing me all of this stress and pain for no reason. Why is his presence more important than me and my feelings? 

I’m at the point now where I’m going to be hurt either way. If she comes, she came because he did. If she doesn’t come, it’s because of his decision again. Either way, even if she ends up coming, she’s already done damage to our relationship. 

I’m not sure how to move forward. My close people keep telling me to stop thinking about her or sharing anything about the wedding and just take care of myself. I agree but on the other hand… that’s my mom. 

Is my relationship with my mom over?