AITAH- postpartum in law situation

I (38F) and my husband (37M) have been married for 9 years. He has an older brother (41M) who is married (38F). They have two kids. We are South Asian descent but born and raised here in America

Our relationship has had its ups and downs. We have traveled together, we have spent weekends together. Two themes have been present throughout our relationship (in my eyes):

1. They think I am "too formal." I have never been able to parse out exactly what this means but I try to err on the side of respect and maybe formality because I want things to be good between all of us.

2. His brother's superiority complex. Its hard to point to examples but he always has acted like he is better than him/us. Its a vibe. My husband acknowledges it but doesn't feel threatened by it/shrugs it off. Its hard for me to come into a family and feel that the man that I chose is being treated by him and their parents as "second best."

So here's the timeline of events:

May 2025- I get pregnant after secondary infertility and many miscarriages

June 2025- All of us go on a trip together and by all measures have a great trip

August 2025- I'm working and my husband and son go down last min to their place. Its my SIL's birthday. I get a perfume set last min to send down as a present. She reportedly made a face when she received it and later complained to her husband that she gets me better, more thoughtful gifts than I give her. Her husband told my husband. (They are both professionals who can buy whatever they want for themselves)

September 2025- I buy her another present and don't really address it. I asked her sister what she wanted. Their parents also start trying to plan their 10 year anniversary party, going as far as renting a venue and sending out invites. I am part of planning. They find out about the party and shut it down. Brother for some reason texts us all that he is "so disappointed" in us. Bizarre

November 2025- They visit our house for a weekend. Leave on Sunday. On Monday my husband gets a call with a list of complaints: apparently we were "assholes" about keeping the lights on (his wife kept turning them off saying overhead lighting gave her headaches). I didn't move my seat at brunch to let his 3 year old son sit next to my 4 year old son because I wanted to feed my son. I am fuming but I only complain/talk to my husband about these. Reminder, I'm also quite pregnant

January 2026- I am scheduled to have a C-section. His brother is planning to drive up the day of the C-section. I ask both him and his wife to have him not come, to give me a day of recovery. He says this works better for his work and he will stay out of my way. Comes into the postpartum room recording on his phone, picks up baby for pictures, etc. Rubs me the wrong way, I am hours after giving birth/super anemic and tired

A few weeks later- they come to visit baby and me. Give me a $300 spa gift card for my birthday. Kids ran wild in the house including my son. After they left my son came crying to me that his room was "a disaster" and it was. 2 weeks postop I could not help him clean it all up so my Mom did.

They subsequently visited two more times- once in March and once in April. I made a really nice birthday surprise with cake for their daughter. They left paint on the floor, raspberries in the basement floor. While they were here they kept slamming doors. Often my BIL and his wife will leave to go shopping or go for a run or charge their car and when they are here they are checked out, looking at their phones instead of minding their kids. Their visits really stress me out.

My husband knows this and he has not been able to talk to his brother about the stress their visits cause. Ultimately in late April I called my BIL and I told him- I am coming to you as a brother, but these visits are really hard and stressful for me. I need there to be more peace in my home, especially postpartum and with some work stuff going on. I can't have you slamming doors or leaving messes. He did not take it well. He was like "oh so you're saying I cannot visit my brother? He and I are the closest relatives we have to one another." Our convo was brief but subsequently he called his parents and my husband and yelled at my husband that we don't love his children the way they love ours.

I subsequently called again after two weeks to try to clarify that this was never supposed to be about their children- I have no expectations of a 7 year old and 3 year old. It was supposed to be a plea for them to be more mindful of their children in our home/the mess they make/how loud they are. PARTICULARLY while I am/was 4 mo postpartum and still breastfeeding. He said he was disappointed in us and that was that.

Now neither of them will talk to us. I feel like I messed up their relationship when all I meant to do was stand up for us. Am I the asshole?