How to cope with getting pregnant after child loss

Pregnancy after loss

My son died in January 2025. He was 17 months old. When our son was here, My partner and I was planning to another baby through IVF like our son, we had one embryo left. Our son was the second embryo, our first one didn't catch.

But now that our son is gone, everytime the IVF clinic calls or send emails to arrange appointments and medication. I feel as though I can't breath and I just want to run away and not hear it. I have so many thoughts running in my head, like if something bad is going to happen and I don't want to take the risk. I have thoughts that if they are born healthy something else could go wrong. Through pregnancy anything could go wrong.

My son died on ecmo, he was put on ecmo on Xmas day 2024. I keep seeing his face over and over again, how scared he was on that machine. He had a heart condition and a Vain of galen. He had his second surgery for the vain of galen in November 2024. He went down hill after that. This surgery was suppose to his last one, the doctors told us that his heart will get rest and he will improve. They were wrong.

How can I bring a beautiful baby in this world just for them to have a cruel fate happen to them. Sitting here, typing this, I can't keep pretending I'm OK, I'm not OK. I want a child but I am so scared, and the feeling of guilt that our son isn't here, and we planning to go through the IVF without him. That he won't be a big brother. That I didn't get to see him talk or walk on his own. He would have turned 3 on the 18 July.

I don't know what to do, I am getting pulled in so many direction that my body physically hurts. I am 36 years old and I can't get pregnant naturally. I am not getting any younger, so the rush to get pregnant is not helping.

Have you guys have any advice on how to cope with all the thoughts?