I’m struggling to understand what “doing the emotional labor” means in my relationship and how to rebuild trust after my inconsistency and defensiveness. I need help.

I’m a man in a relationship with a woman I really really love even though I've met her not thaaaat long ago. I'm confident it's the first time I feel this way about someone and I'm in my mid 30's. We’re going through a very difficult and proving time in our relation. I’m posting this here because I need outside perspective, not because I want people to validate me or tell me I’m the victim, nothing like that. I know I’ve hurt her deeply and I’m trying to understand what real change looks like and what can I do since words naturally don't do much and real changes need to me done with actual actions

A big part of the problem is that my partner feels like she has been doing all the emotional labor in our relationship, this I think is the topic that I struggle with the most. She says she has explained things to me many times, given me many signs, texts and etc told me what hurts her and that I only seem to understand after she breaks down, she cries in panic, talk about breaking up with me or after things get really really bad. I agree with that. I think that from her perspective, she has to guide me through everything and every difficult situation. She has told me time and again that she feels like she needs to beg me to be emotionally present and still start convos about the issues and the damage that I caused in our relation. Stuff like what I did, why it hurt, what it means, what I should have understood, and how I should act differently. But in several instances, I can't quite put my finger on what "doing the emotional labor" means, that's what frustrates me the most, I feel dumb and not enough of a good and supportive partner to her. I feel dumb and immature.

There are several issues and I know that. I actually have a really hard time understanding what she means with a bunch of stuff, sometimes I feel a little dumb because she's very mature and emotionally intelligent and I'm certainly not at that same level. That's one of the things i love the most about her tho, but also one of my biggest struggles in certain moments.

One of the issues is honesty. I don’t think of myself as someone who invents full lies, but I’ve realized I have a pattern of minimizing things, softening the ugly parts, omitting details, or framing situations in a way that makes me look less wrong. To me, in the moment, it can feel like I’m trying to avoid panic, shame or conflict. But to her it feels like half-truths and like she has to discover the real version behind my version. That has seriously damaged her trust in me and of course I understand that

Another issue is sexual and validation-seeking behavior online. She found out about things involving Instagram that made her feel humiliated and unsafe. Sexualized porn-coded women, likes, and even a saved sexualized picture of someone from my past. I tried to explain my intention, saying I wasn’t trying to cheat or actively pursue anyone, but I understand that focusing on my intention doesn’t fix the impact. From her side, it looks like a pattern, I said I only wanted her and made her feel chosen, while privately my behavior suggested I was still seeking validation or sexual stimulation elsewhere.

She also recently found out I had been with more people than she originally thought, and again, the issue isn’t just the facts themselves. It’s that she feels like information keeps coming out in pieces, and every new piece makes her question what else she doesn’t know. She says this makes her feel mentally confused, unsafe, and like she has to second-guess everything I say.

Another big issue is reactivity. When she brings up pain, I often hear it as an immediate threat that she’s leaving me. Then I become defensive, anxious, apologetic in a panicked way, or I start making big promises like “I’ll change,” “I’ll fight for this,” “I only want you,” etc... But she says those big emotional statements often feel like they are more about calming my anxiety than actually caring for her. She has told me that love-bombing or grand verbal gestures don’t solve the practical issue here. She still feels insecure, her body still feels stressed, her self-esteem is affected, and her life and work are being impacted by the constant emotional instability.

She says what she needs is care, honesty, and consistency. Not expensive dates or heroic gestures. More like communicating when I’m unavailable instead of disappearing during an emotional conversation, being curious instead of defensive, not making her manage my reactions, not giving her reduced versions of the truth, and doing small practical acts of care without her having to ask.

I also have trauma, anxiety, low self-esteem, and defense mechanisms that probably explain some of my behavior. But I’m trying not to use that as an excuse. I understand that “I didn’t mean to hurt you” doesn’t erase the fact that she is hurt.

The hard part is that now when I try to reflect, she sometimes says, “I already told you this many times,” or “you should have understood this before,” and I feel attacked, overwhelmed, and frozen in panic, you know? At the same time, I can understand why she’s exhausted if she feels like she has had to explain basic emotional safety over and over. As she often says, "I'm not a school for boys" and I agree she shouldn't be.

I’m looking for advice on a few things

1. What does “doing emotional labor” actually look like from my side in a concrete, day-to-day way? This is the one I struggle with THE MOST as she often says she feels like she's the only one doing this in this relationship and she feels like she's the one carrying the relationship.
2. How do I rebuild trust when the problem is not one lie, but a pattern of minimization and inconsistency?
3. How do I stop responding from panic and defensiveness when my partner expresses pain?
4. How do I show care without turning it into performative grand gestures or love-bombing?
5. Is there a healthy way to stay present in these conversations while also not letting them become destructive for both of us?

I know I’ve caused real damage. I’m not asking how to make her forgive me quickly. I’m asking how to become a more emotionally reliable, honest, and safe partner and how to tell the difference between genuine accountability and just spiraling in guilt.

TL;DR:
I hurt my partner through inconsistency, defensiveness, minimization/half-truths, and online sexual validation-seeking behavior. She says she has been doing all the emotional labor and that she needs care, honesty, and consistency. I’m trying to understand what real emotional work looks like and how to rebuild trust without becoming defensive or relying on grand romantic promises.