More crosspost4

Ok so I’m awake and I do feel the need to keep going with this. Still trigger warning on this because who knows what I will dig up today. It at this point is driving somewhat on its own. Why now you wonder? Why print it well I think because I don’t think my stepfather has much time left and I don’t think I can let his true character not be shown. I also think as a child I promised myself some kind of accountability. Is this the way to do it? Who knows. But I have to document it and acknowledge it. It has nothing to do with rage at this point or revenge if it was I would have been posting about it as soon as the internet was a thing. I would have made sure they saw it and they knew every single person saw it. But I didn’t. So at this point in my life it is to hold someone accountable in my way that spent my time and my life trying to destroy me. Maybe not now but that was when all that foundation builds in someone’s life. And as life went on there was no acknowledging no apologies no validation for what not only I was put through but my sister and my brother. My mom can fuck off respectfully she had a choice in both of these situations and both times chose herself over her kids. She put her own comfort over the safety of her own children and for that yes she can fuck right off. So on that note I think we will talk about my mom.
Like I mentioned she was the product of my grandparents and I believe what I said all at the beginning that they my mom and her brother were raised by women that were given freedom for a short time then had it taken away from them. They were made wives at that time kind of young or maybe they did it to be something to someone. At that time people had a lot of kids my grandmother was a twin and smack dab in the middle of 7 boys and seven girls. Growing up like that I’m guessing there was always something to do. I’m also sure their parents had to manage their children with some kind of discipline and in the early 1900 there was absolutely no accountability there was no one looking at children being neglected or abused. It was all these kids that were there to do one thing. Keep the farms moving. My grandfathers upbringing was not as primitive as my grandmothers. He came from a more refined family. They only had 8 children. They were schooled and more city than country for that time. We were not or atleast I was not given the run down on how they met or the details of how they ended up together. We just existed however me being who I am now I want to know. Anyway they moved to Ohio after getting married from West Virginia I remember going to West Virginia but I for the life of me do not ever remember hearing of visits from their parents. By the time we were around their parents had already passed away. But it’s like you had these young couples that just left and started families with little parental interference which now everyone is in everyone else business. So looking at that time it seems like that was the case. They let their kids grow up. My grandparents moved to Brady lake my grandfather helped with the building of the home. My grandmother as the story goes was not really sure how babies were made. However lo and behold they had 2. I mean looking back that says quite a bit there was no discussion in a family with 14 kids about reproduction? Anyway my grandmother got pregnant then my grandfather who had been enlisted got called overseas to go to war. She then worked at gogglers when women were filling men’s positions in factories for a short time my guess is until my uncle was born. A lot of this is me guessing because I’m not sure what order it all goes in as this is me piecing together what I have been told with how things worked at that time. My guess is also my uncle was born while my grandfather was over seas and my grandmother raised him for a time on her own again this is me guessing. He returned from the war resumed his job at gogglers and she then became pregnant with my mom. They her brother and her were 6 years apart and I think my grandmother seemed to focus quite a bit on my uncle when they were growing up. My mom was taken care of as a child but from what she has said was that my grandmother was more of the disciplinary one. My grandfather was more laid back. However she has said growing up my grandmother was quite cruel to her at times was the one to spank her or hit her. A lot of it was when he was preaching and if she misbehaved it was where she was punished mostly. In school she was not very popular and at the time I guess she was according to her overweight and picked on. I think maybe some comments were made also by my grandmother to her also because her weight even now has been something she can not seem to stop focusing on. This woman has lived her almost 80 years feeling some kind of guilt for every single thing she eats. Does it excuse her actions no but I can find empathy for this because I have seen it my whole life where something in her life has broken so badly that she has this guilt for everything she eats. She likes to eat but then she also makes stupid ass comments when she eats like she’s going to be on my 600 lb life. Anyway something tripped something in her head that she has formed some kind of very unhealthy relationship with food. I do know at some point in her teenage years she was put on diet pills and they made her talk nonstop. She also at some point contracted hepatitis and was bedbound for some of her teen years. I mean her mother’s cruelty toward her being overweight seems like if you knew my grandmother all she did was push food she wanted everyone to eat she wanted people to have food and all of it. So to be the cause of the problem than shove the blame it kind of set that in motion to where accepting the blame fell on the victim but again perpetuating that is a big fuck you to her and not breaking the cycle. Anyway she did say at some point she was either SA’d or m$@(#^{d < being I’m not sure if this is like TikTok. Anyway, she has said that happened but no details just that it happened never any emotion with it. When I’m out here saying I do not know one single female in my life that was not messed with in someway by someone I mean that with my whole soul. In my lifetime people as I was growing up and to this day every single female I got close to as friend or even some acquaintance has told me at some point in their life they were harassed or touched or more. It really needs to stop for real. Anyway going on with my mom. My mom has had friends in her life some her whole life some of her friends are her cousins too but when I say this I’m talking about every single friend of hers after we were born and most likely before we were born my mother would shit talk so bad. And if there was things going on in their lives good or bad she would be shit talking. I mean every single one. Except one her cousin on her moms sisters side(like I said I’m not naming people but if it’s you you will know) anyway that cousin I believe was the only person she did not shit talk about and actually does show some feelings towards. The only one in my lifetime she has only had positive things to say about. Otherwise know she has done this to every single friend otherwise. I will not go into details about what she has said. But I will say that when I started chirping like a canary is when I started disappearing from the picture around 9 or 10 maybe even 11 somewhere in that age range she had stopped having me around her friends and I can tell you why. I saw how she was to your face and I saw who she was behind your back. And I would try to tell you and I would get kicked under tables scowled at or punished for trying to tell people who she really was. My mom has no empathy which I’m not sure she ever really has when I say this i mean it. She is what female psychopaths are. I get laughed at because most people see psychopath and think serial killer but I can tell you not all psychopaths become serial killers some become moms. And as a parent they either ignore their children’s emotions because they do not understand them so it’s better to ignore them or they blame everything else and not their treatment for being the cause. They do not apologize unless it’s followed by a but example I’m sorry you feel that way but if you did this this and this it would have never happened. There were no hugs no kisses no I love yous. One time she texted me it said “see ya later luv ya” then she messaged me and said oh that message was for one of her other friend who she also shit talks so just know it literally is every single person she says is her friend. Anyway my response to her was I didn’t figure it was for me since in my 48 (this was a couple years ago) years you have never once told me you loved me. In saying that it’s not necessarily true she does say it but only after something extreme happens and even that is followed by a but. “I love you but boy you do make it hard sometimes” I guess that was better than bringing trained to be grateful for my own abuse though. “ you are lucky you have a home some kids don’t” “you are lucky you have something to eat some kids don’t” you are lucky you even have toys some kids dont” that too goes on and on and it was almost daily. I mean I spent my childhood feeling bad for homeless hungry kids with no toys I didnt even know. I’m my home it was more being shamed by my mom for not being grateful for all the wonderful things. It was a way I think she saw it. No matter what we should be grateful. Well I was not. I wasn’t then and I am not still. Because I knew I shouldn’t be grateful for abuse. And I shouldn’t be grateful when every single thing strings attached. Every single thing ever given to me by my mom and my stepfather was paid for with my silence. And I am no longer staying silent.