Gordy Texts, Getting Sick A Lot, My Fear Of HIV

I said how I'm getting sick pretty regularly. I have a sore throat and a cough. I was obviously scared it could potentially be HIV, but I'm told it's probably just getting middle-aged and a bad diet.

Gordy said, "You probably don't have AIDS, but anytime you get your blood work done, probably yearly, it doesn't hurt to do an STD panel and see if you have hepatitis or HIV. Honestly, your immune system is probably awful from being cooped up all day and only socializing once a week. Most people go outside the house daily and interact with people. Your immune system is probably weak from isolation."

And I said, "Yeah, that's kind of what I figure, man. I honestly don't know how I would get HIV. I'm not having sex. I haven't had sex in about 5 years. I guess a psychopath could contaminate your food or drink at a coffee shop, but they say it's hard to get HIV. And if someone really wanted to hurt you, they would likely pull out a gun and shoot you, not conspire to deprive you of sex for your whole life by giving you HIV. It's usually spread through sex, hypodermic needles, blood on blood contact, things like that. To my knowledge, none of this has happened in 5 years or so. My immune system is probably just poor because of a bad diet and getting middle-aged now. I doubt it's cancer either. Just get checked at my next physical in November. This past November, everything was fine."

And Gordy says, "I think it's more common to throw acid on someone's face or stab them purposely than to give someone HIV. Someone would probably poison food with sink cleaner if they wanted to kill someone quietly. Plus, most people kill for a real purpose because it's such a high risk to reward. Most murderers aren't sadistic psychopaths. These are just my opinions about it."

And I said, "Yeah, these are fair points. People can get creative with their methods of torture. Somebody might know I've had hardly any romance and might know I'm hopeful to find true love someday and might want to sabotage that for me by giving me HIV, but also they would likely poison you or shoot you if they wanted to kill you. Yeah, somebody contaminating me with HIV is possible but improbable. Though, giving someone HIV would be stealth and hard to prove. Poisoning and shooting someone is undeniable nefarious murder."

And Gordy said, "But the issue with that is why would they want to give you HIV to torture you? It's unlikely you're being tortured because you don't have any real enemies and you're not in a position of power. Torturing you would just be pure sadism, which 99% of people aren't like that. Especially not to some random stranger."

I said, "That's fair. Maybe I'm just so scared of the world from having gotten bullied in my childhood. I can't even walk outside without being terrified of criminals and bullies. I feel weak, vulnerable, anxious, like a deer caught in headlights. I think my fear of HIV is a fear of being alone forever. They say that kind of came true. I had hardly any romance in my 20s and 30s, hardly any love, though obviously my blood work is HIV negative as of my last physical."

Gordy said how, "my fiancé has anxiety. She has to take meds to treat it. Even then, she doesn't like going places alone. So, what you're feeling is more common than you think."

And I said, "Yeah, it's anxiety, agoraphobia, and a fear of getting bullied. Probably PTSD, too. I'm so scared of the world, so I stay at home."

And Gordy says, "It's kind of ironic. If you do get HIV and want to prevent your potential partner from catching it, you can use condoms forever and have them take HIV prep. So, what I guess I'm trying to say is HIV isn't a prison for your sex life."

And I said, "Yeah, that's fair. Cancer and quadriplegia are indeed worse, but yeah, none of this is good."

Gordy asked, "Has your therapist talked to you about any coping mechanisms to overcome your agoraphobia? Things that aren't medication?"

And I said, "Go to mental health recovery groups, socializing, doing things like that to make me uncomfortable, exposure therapy, just the obvious kind of stuff."