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As I post these I want all of you to know. Again trigger warning I can not help what comes out as I’m writing these it is strictly typing as it comes up. I’m not doing it as a way to get empathy Infact I do not care who even reads them I just need something to be out there in my life that can say I saw everything and documented it because I remember everything and it needs to be out and not in anymore. Mainly because my parents acted like they were better than everyone else and this is me coming to terms with the fact that they were not. I am a person who suffered for my honesty and my integrity even as a child I stood up for not only myself but my siblings even if it meant it was me that took the abuse. So on that note I will go with me and I’m not holding back on me either.
So I was born to my parents I have already discussed. Because it’s like I want to go in order. When I was born I was the youngest between me and my sister. My sister and I never really got a long too much yet she was always the one that ended up being in charge of me. And at that time we lived in that era where we were treated more like a family pet than a child. We were raised by parents that were pressured into getting married and having children and most of the time there was resentment that built from that and it showed in two way either it was resentment of the spouse or resentment of the children when it was the children the parents worked together to make sure we knew our place and that was the worst kind sometimes in rare cases it was resentment of both the spouse and the children. Anyway it just kind of showed as a bunch of kids with very little supervision. I remember being very young and being outside a lot of the time in north hill. Which is when I was an infant to early 4 and most of the time we would be outside til we were hungry thirsty or had to go to the bathroom not tired because we would just rest where we were. I also remember going to head start or preschool at Patterson park and playing red light green light or they had like dolls and wooden puzzles we would play duck duck goose. I was on the smaller side and was shy and timid I tend to mumble even still. I can get excited and do tend to get louder the more excited I get. I had long hair down my back to my butt usually in pig tails or braids. Was I happy? I mean sometimes. I remember being in that duplex and not sleeping very much at night. I remember wandering around at night then being sleepy during the day. I guess some things never change. I also remember being young and my dad taking me to the ford plant or fishing on Brady lake he also liked metal detecting so I would go with him to places to do that like salt fork I think it’s called. We would do things together does it mean he was good to me no no it does not. I was a cute kid and he would brag on me though I’m not saying this because I believe it I’m saying this because I was told I was a cute kid. I also remember feeling very uncomfortable with any attention on me at all and a lot of times would try to shift the focus off of me or sit there trying to get away. We would also go to hartville auction a lot my mom was there for that. My mom worked at Photomat but I believe that was a little later on them when we lived in north hill and believe it was when we moved to coffeen drive. I was curious as a kid and did tend to get into things I would take things apart to try to get them back together. I loved animals and at some point we found a little shaggy dog we called muffin but we didn’t have her very long. I was never afraid of dogs or cats but when you move to things less furry it was more of a curiosity than actual affection. To say I was busy is probably an understatement I was neurodivergent before we knew what that was so I literally was stimming before it was known what stimming was. I would run I would spin in circles and I was active I could roller skate when I was super young. I think that had a lot to do with it being popular and my sister also liked to roller skate. But when I say I could young I was less than4 on skates. I can not ice skate to save my life but roller skating came natural to me. I also think it had something to do with my sensory processing even at that age I liked the wind in my hair and how freeing it felt to go to a roller rink and listen to music and just skate. Moon glow mainly I remember that place. I also remember anytime I would go to a restaurant I would be puking and being at other peoples houses I would get over stimulated enough to stand at the door begging to leave I got ignored enough that most of the time I quit begging. I would sit in the car sometimes then get pissed at my mom for knowing we were in the car and I would start honking the horn til she could no longer ignore it. I’m not ashamed of that at all. I did it though. At school I was picked on too not at first but I again was different because teachers would be teaching and I would be doing Jodi things and didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t that I wasn’t smart I was bored. I would get to after one or two times of hearing something I would be ready to move on. I’m still like that. If I’m in trainings I tune out after they start going over things more than once or twice. Then I get impatient for people that start asking questions about things they talked about. I’m not sure how that surfaced as a child but not it just shows up as me thinking about things nobody else is bringing up. Or things that may happen as a result of training. So most likely I had a lot of what most teachers would consider irrelevant questions. Not irrelevant to someone who is already thinking 10 steps ahead. Anyway I had friends in school but I liked smaller groups of friends not overwhelming amounts of people. I at that time already recognized my eyesight was I didn’t know it was different but I will say it was strange. I have seen static even as a child. But it was not acknowledged and I didn’t know how to describe what I was seeing. I also worried constantly about people dying or being hurt or just going away. It was a constant fear. Any time something would happen to someone I would internalize it. That started at a very young age. I remember going sledding at Patterson park and some kid ran into a tree and was taken away in an ambulance and it had me spiraling for a long time. Also we were taking my sister to school in that eagle beast and we saw a young girl get hit by a car and the car was on her legs. That stuck with me for a very long time. I was most likely between 2-3 and I still remember that. There were many things like that where someone would get hurt and I would hold on to it and worry about dying. I cried a lot I’m sure at first then it just became me internalizing anything and everything. So someone could be talking to me about something and say one little thing about someone dying then I would just latch on to that and not let it go. I liked watching tv and still like watching tv. I don’t watch anything I particularly I just watch YouTube. But as I was growing up the things I watched may have been why I focused so much on death and dying and just mainly worrying. What we watched growing up was not filtered or monitored it was like the wall by punk Floyd it was the shining it was Halloween. King Kong even was scary to me as a child. But nothing was filtered there were medical shows and news that was a lot. So I believe because I was being dismissed and not being acknowledged those fear loops never really closed then I also had someone I was supposed to trust getting kick from terrorizing me. I have more on me I may continue me because I’m trying to separate my life between the entirety two different worlds I was forced to live in.