I [F24] have had two abortions and it's eating me up inside.

I want to be a parent. One day.

I recently had my second abortion. My first abortion was two years ago. The first abortion I had was because I felt the situation I lived in was FAR too dangerous (DV with a brother of mine) for a child and I came to the quick decision to "save" this child from my own situation. Fast forward two years later and my boyfriend has moved me out of the situation. My situation isn't much but I enjoy my peace and that's all that matters to me. It's perfect for my first step in the right direction. One problem. I got pregnant again within the first three months of being in my new home because I wasn't being careful.

I previously thought it was nigh impossible for me to get pregnant. The first one took me completely off guard because it had never happened before. Then when it didn't happen again in two years my confirmation bias came back and I started being reckless again.

Now that there is context, I don't think I'm handling it well. The first abortion I got was a pill but the first time I caught a glimpse of the sonogram and I saw this little...bean. that's all it was. A dot in my tummy and I felt something. Something I never felt in my heart before. I dismissed it immediately but I think I thought about it more than I'd like to actually admit to myself. Every time I thought about it a little too hard I would backtrack and just tell myself it's all for the better. The second time I had to get the surgery. That's because when I found out the feeling came back and this time I couldn't dismiss it. An overwhelming sense of longing and fear. Both combined feelings left me so confused on what I should do. I started telling people out of fear. I wanted to know what they thought. Everyone supported me...but with a catch. It was an "Are you sure?" Kind of support if that makes sense. An "if you like it I love it" and not a full "YAAAY!" and this left me feeling pretty hopeless and empty.

Not because I didn't think they'd really be there for me. It's because I thought they would and that I would be the problem. The response I got from everyone made me lose all faith in myself. I said I didn't want another abortion. I got attached. I was pregnant for three months and knowingly for at least two. I think I was genuinely in love but I knew that didn't matter as much as what I was actually capable of doing once a child was actually in my life. I started to actually look around at what I had, things I had to do in order to get better in the near future, I started analyzing every little part of my life and then I felt like I just....gave up....I gave in and I went to go get the abortion. I just wasn't enough.

Now what kills me more is that the procedure was a nightmare. The initial procedure went fine and I didn't feel anything, I had complications after and they needed to go back inside with the vacuum while I was still awake and in pain from whatever was happening to me. I thought I would actually die. I genuinely thought right then and there that I made a huge mistake and my life was over. It hurt that badly. I bled so much afterwards and I'm still spotting. Thankfully I didn't have any cramps the day after the procedure and still don't but my arm is bruised as hell from one of the IV injections as well. Mind you I've never had surgery, never been on anesthesia, and never ever ever in my life dreamed that it would go so very wrong.

Now I'm here. In the present. I lied to my family and told them I lost the baby. I lied to my friends. The only people that know is my boyfriend, my closest inner circle, and now the Internet I guess. I think about everything that happened constantly. I want to believe it's because it's still fresh but I feel like I'm also still mourning my first baby that never came and now I'm mourning a whole new person I never got to meet. Now I'm doing weird things like watching children play and breaking down in tears. My boyfriend actually has a son and I can bear to be around them when they are together. They look so cute. I made it worse because I always recently overwhelmed with a headache and his kid was just being so fricken bad and he kept yelling at him right in my ear. I got fed up and scooped the kid up and took his bike. It wasn't hard but it was stern and my bf isn't like that. The kid cried of course and in true me fashion I told my bf that he's upset because I took the bike, not because of the way I grabbed him. He said I manhandled him. I still don't believe I did but I understand where I went wrong. I apologized that night and then told him I'd be staying away. I took some time to reflect.

I realized that I'm kind of...angry at every kid I see. It's not their fault and I don't know why these feelings are turning into angry feelings. I don't know why they are irritating me. I don't understand why I will curse a child out under my breath and then go cry to myself in private and I want to keep crying. I want to cry about everything thats ever hurt me and I want to feel it. I haven't talked to anyone about this either. I just said it happened and said I didn't want to talk about it and I don't think I ever had an intention of coming around on that. I can't. I don't know how and you can see that because this post is an absolute mess. I'm all over the place. I don't think I know what to do or how to respond to this pain. I noticed I started lactating so Ive started doing "self expressions(?)" just to feel some kind of relief. It's calming, It's relaxing and it's the only thing I find comfort in right now. I went out of my way to find the ultrasound that I got before the surgery happened even though I knew it would just break me more. I keep doing things that don't make any sense to me.

I don't know what I'm doing with this post. I don't know if I'm asking for advice because I don't know if there's anything anyone can tell me, accept well wishes and go to therapy which I have since started. I think this is more of a confession, not to anyone specifically but to myself. I think I need to accept the fact that this kind of broke me in a new way that I don't quite understand but I feel it and it's really really heavy. I just want some peace but this is an internal scream I can't smother.

What was it like for everyone else afterward? How did you feel? How did you survive?