Crosspost7

I know some of you are curious what else is poking around in my memory and I can tell you yes it’s all there but also my purpose is not to bring out that fear of exposure to people that were part of my life that may have disclosed things or things I have seen that is not what this is about. It’s about getting my voice back it’s about holding people accountable. Trust me this has been brought up so many times privately and it was dismissed and ignored. So I guess it’s going to be put where I can no longer be dismissed I definitely am no saint and I have things I need to hold myself accountable for also and I will get into that too.so do not think I think I’m innocent either and I just have not gotten there yet. But what I will say is everything to this point I was a child and that is where I will leave that. I am not excusing my stuff either I just am not there. This is just laying that foundation. But I understand this doesn’t seem like the place but tell me where that place is? And also my life making someone else uncomfortable is no longer my concern we are past that I think when my comfort was ignored and dismissed is probably when I should have started being more vocal. But also I am going to continue because this is exactly where I turn my life back to my own. And living in the shadows because of guilt and shame that did not belong to me is exactly what I need to do. I will be posting more but this stuff pulling back decades of mental reels is very exhausting and I get worn out by it. But I am in no way done and I’m not silencing myself because someone thinks it’s a private matter. It’s not when it was my whole world at that time. And because my memories are like they are,there is no way to let it go til I let it out. So just buckle in and just know exposing people that were in my life for things that were not mine is not my goal. If you are triggered just stop reading it is what I can say.

Now I’m going to talk about how manipulation showed in our family. And again if this is going to prompt messages know I am still going to continue until I am done.
So mainly in this stage what I saw as a child I’m talking very young when my mom and dad will still married and this stuff was never discussed so it is mainly downloads from my memory.
My dad was very jealous he suspected my mother on everything from cheating to stealing to random things. He would follow her around to make sure she was where she said he would be he would call her friends when she would go to their house. He would keep money from her so she had to scrounge for money for things like laundry or food or diapers. Then like I mentioned was the terrorizing us but also my mother. He seemed to be one of the people that that was a thing. There are good things about him. He was very talented and musical. He played as far as I remember the banjo and guitar. That you would think would be in my genes. But it’s not. Any way going on with how I saw manipulation I didn’t know what it was at the time but as an adult these are the things I remember. I remember tug of wars with me and my sister between my parents. And I also as we got older recognized when my sister would not tell the truth about where we were like if we went in someone’s house or where we were going. She was between3-7 when our parents were together almost 8 so there was the manipulation to her to have her responsible for me and guilt if she left me somewhere or if I took a tumble. I also was the blame for things when we were little like she would do something and tell on me but then as we got older I also would do that to her or my brother. My grandparents would offer help to my mom but my suspicion is there were strings attached or some kind of trap for accepting that help because given the history that is all I can conclude. I didn’t see my mom being manipulated by her parents but I did see the help. My mom I am not sure of her manipulating tactics because I saw the scary things I felt her apprehension and was more in tune with her feelings until after the period with my dad. After that period it was very noticeable. I’m not going to mention to much that didn’t involve me but I do know when she was dating she would move pictures when the guys she was dating would come over. Looking back she was wanting us to pretend like those pictures did not exist. This is also when taken away from the trauma of my dad she started talking nasty about her friends then would expect us to act like that never happened. When we moved in with my step dad that’s where the real manipulation started. My mother was a smoker my stepfather hated it so she was a closet smoker and we were expected to keep that to ourselves. She would smoke outside and watch for his reflection in the garage windows for him pulling in the driveway she would then put her cigarette buts in the garbage disposal and it was like she never smoked forever. Even still. So that deceit while her issue was my baseline as a child. I was responsible for making sure my stepfather did not find out she smokes. Then was the public image where we had to act like the perfect family infront of people but then once people were gone the mask came of so it was constant personality shifts where are parents looked like they were good parents that had it together the truth was when people were not there there was my dad being gone most of the day my mom getting pissed about it and the longer he was gone the madder at us and more irritated she would get then when he got home there was this shift in her mood like she wasn’t bitching at us about everything my mom was not physical often and was probably appropriate with the more physical side.but she was also complicit to our abuse even apathetic. There was no defending her children atleast not where we could see it. And it certainly didn’t stop so my guess is there was no discussions about it only indifference. Anyway the manipulations did not stop there it was my step father parading in nothing but a towel every day did not matter who was there whatsoever it was his way to make sure everyone knew their place. Looking back while I felt it was gross I now see it for what it was. It was a man that was going to feel comfortable no matter how uncomfortable he made everyone if you came to my house and witnessed this I sincerely as an adult apologize to your preteen and teen selves. I should have not ever brought teenagers to my home knowing that was the possibility. Anyway the escalations themselves were manipulations to hide his drinking problem if we were crying or worried about how to react and always kept on our toes not knowing what will set him off than we couldn’t see what a drunk sloppy mess he really was…but this was the one I always saw clearly the one I would not take the blame for which at the time the sloppiness wasn’t what I saw I saw a man trying to maintain control with fear and threats. He would let us have friends then try to embarrass our friend when they were over so they would not come back. Our neighbors teenage daughter was a target and it caused an all out war between our families because he decided to bully a teenage girl. He has made my sisters friends cry. I had two friends that could not be deterred by his actions and to me still to this day it shocks me. Because also looking back at how different our fathers were. But out of fathers my friends dads treated me like I deserved to be there and I deserved a place at their table. I had a black friend when I was younger I absolutely adored it was when I went to Richardson and I swear if you ever find me and my page I want to also let you know I apologize my parents refused to let me have her over. I am so sad still and i remember and I remember your name and I hope someday we can reconnect. That also was a manipulation I refused to live by. I refused to let their views define me. But that was a manipulation in two ways they wanted me to believed the color of the skin is what made a child a 7 year old little girl not worthy of my friendship. And in turn it made me believe at 7 I was not worthy of any friendship so I started withdrawing at that point I think believing any of my friends they would find fault in. I will go into more but these are ones I was kind of remembering as I was being politely told to keep my mouth shut. I’m not and I hope you understand why. It’s not about all the people in my life. It’s about the people that continue the story it’s about grown adults who could not admit they were at fault for some of these things. It’s about never getting an apology it’s about a family that used control for compliance. So I lived for well all my life being told to keep things to myself and this is my saying I’m done.