What Was Going On With My (23F) Ex Boyfriend (23M)?

Hi All,

This is hard to write but on April 2nd my boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) broke up unexpectedly for both of us while I was having a panic attack on a phone call. We had been in a relationship for 14 months, dating for 16. Basically around early March I realised I wanted to go into research - specifically anthropology, if you know you know lol - and that would require me to do a Master's in a different EU country that the one I live in as it's not a popular discipline in my country, and also it looks better in academia to have studied in different universities. My ex and I were supposed to move in together in June ie. this month, with his two best friends who are in a relationship but I don't really know, and it just became a lot of pressure. He asked me 2 months into our relationship if I'd move in with him after graduation and I said yes as we were both going into our final year of uni but as time progressed I had not landed a graduate job while he and his two best friends all had full time roles/ Master's courses to keep them in the city we were supposed to be in. My uni was also not located in the city I'd be moving to so I was the odd one out in that regard.

I started panicking a bit because my ex wanted me to move in unemployed and had saved up funds to support me for over a year somehow, and whne I expressed a lot of discomfort over being dependant on a man so early in my life (and after much debate) he conceded that in June I must start looking for a part time retail/ hospitality job instead so I could move and he would still pay for everything. I wasn't comfortable with this either, I know a job is a job but I have worked office based internships for two years so I felt I was more than capable of landing a grad role eventually. I am currently learning to drive in an automatic car because it's the type of car my parents own and my ex saw this as just something to fufill my self esteem as I'm not great at driving and have been learning for a long time. When I expressed that I'd be buying some pre-test lessons he kind of freaked out thinking that it wasa waste of money and expressing that he would teach me how to drive a "real" ie. manual car and we could share his. I said I wanted to only know automatics because I prefer them and have a lot of driving anxiety, and that eventually I'd save up for an automatic car of my own and he told me that he didn't see me owning a car as part of our "shared future" for the next five years. This really scared me and started turning the cogs in my head, as he was otherwise a FANTASTIC partner like literally a dream boyfriend.

During all this we are arguing multiple times a weeks over me potentially doing a Master's in 2027. He didn't want me to move abroad, to choose the cheapest qualification (I have won several awards now for my grades and also for my thesis so I wanted to try get in somewhere high ranking, but fees in the EU are low anyways...), but also wanted me to choose a Master's based on the very limited list of countries he was okay with, and was frequently overwhelmed and upset by my change in aspirations. I felt a lot of pressure to have everything sorted for him, like he wanted to know a budget for cost of living, rent, the fees - everything, which is fair but I was trying to balance figuring it out for both of us, figuring out actually what I WANTED to do, completing my final year at uni, my thesis, working and finding a job and it all became too much. He didn't want to have to learn a new language as we both only speak English, and wanted to be able to continue his career in finance in English in a new country. He refused the idea of working in hospitality or retail for a year/ two years while I study. He refused long distance. Refused to live apart so I could live on the university campus etc.

His arugment style specific to the Master's was also incredibly difficult. He used to say that words reflect a persons morality and that you must speak with intention, and would pick apart how I phrased things, my tone, the exact language I used to say that I didn't care about what I said and that I was trying to hurt him. This was really stressful for me because I wasn't yelling or insulting him I was trying to recieve support. I felt I couldn't talk to him about my future plans and this created resentment in a very short space of time. I come from an abusive home so this also made me feel like I was an inherently bad partner.

On top of all this, he was very set and always had been throughout our relationship on owning a house, being married, and having 2 children by the age of 30. I think this was modeled off of his older brother. We are from Ireland, where the average age of marriage for a woman is 35 so this IS genuinely unusual but I was okay with it mostly because I felt so loved by him and I like feeling like I'm a part of someone's future and we are building something together. However, I've always been apprehensive towards children, but I was open to them as he'd be a great dad. He just talked about it a lot. Like, a LOT. As in, wanting us to go on a fitness and nutritional journey in our mid-20s to maximise fertility, a lot. Again, I liked feeling like he really cared about me so even though it felt a bit Gilead-ish I was okay with it. I think I only want 1 child max but he was insistent on two and just decided he was right and I'd come around I think.

Anyway, I was starting to freak out because of all this pressure and was starting to flip flop on kids. I was worried I'd resent having them if I couldn't achieve my goal of becoming a lecturer and that I'd likely need to travel a lot/ relocate a lot in my 20s which I thought he would resent me for. I was also scared of becoming a bad parent, because well- I had bad parents lol. My mum defintely resented me and my brother as children even if we have a great relationship now, growing up hearing your mum tell you to never had kids, or to have them when you're old because your life stops when you have them does in fact make you feel 1. unwanted! 2. afraid of motherhood!

So, I spoke to my friends and my mum about everything because I became really anxious about my ex and what was happening and they encouraged me to break up. All of them. Even though our relationship was genuinely otherwise idyllic and I love/loved him so so so so so deeply. I have been in two relationships previously, one was 2.5 years and the other was 1.5 years and BOTH should have ended literally years before they did - with my friends and family telling me this the entire time and I didn't want to make that mistake again.

So, for whatever reason I felt I couldn't wait to see him (I was supposed to go to his parents for Easter) and I phoned him bawling crying. I was hyperventilating and could speak, he asked if I was breaking up with him and I said "I don't know" and all of these things I listed above came spilling out of me in a very panicked, dysregulated way with a lot of hysterics and tears. My ex was I think trying to rationalise with me but once I said I didn't want/wasn't sure on kids he said it was a dealbreaker and we had to breakup. Initially, I felt releif but since May 15th - the day I finished my exams- I've been so full of regret.

We met April 16th to talk about it and frankly he was horrible to me and left me with more questions than answers. He told me that I have trust issues and that's why he broke up with me, not the kids thing, called me a liar for changing careers and when I pointed out thart I told him as soon as I realised where my passion was he then conceded I half lied because I wasn't honest with myself. He said he never had these rigid plans (which he referenced regulalry throughout our relationship and to his credit laid out within 1 month of us becoming official) and that he really broke up with me because I'd be a bad parent. He said that I didn't think. He said that the reason I didn't like how he talked about money (he used to ask me what I'd inherit from my very much alive parents), because I was bad with money. He also asked me what he should improve on in dating for his future girlfriend and wife, stipulating that it wouldn't be me and he wished me good luck on finding someone else the dating market for women is "trash" because men don't want relationships, but that he'd be fine because he's a catch. Yup. I tried to get my point across about why I felt suffocated by him in this meeting but again, his defensive arugement style just shut me down. I was honest and said I still saw him as my person and would like to reconnect when we are older and he shut it down. I feel like I was never able to get closure and left with more questions than answers because he had a really different interpretation of what happened than I did. He then unfollowed me on social media.

Weeks pass, I hook up with someone once or twice but after college ends, I realise a lot of what happend what because I freaked out and didn't deal with things calmly. I regret not trying to talk about these issues more, and not holding my ground when he would say I was trying to hurt him. Even though I pointed out how unhealthy that mode of arugeing was, he always saw me as the fault so I'm not sure we could have worked but I regret the relationship ending before either of us were really truely done. So, I did a lot of reflecting, got myself into therapy and somatic movement and decided to reach out in late May. I didn't mention that I was more open to children than it seemd during that anxiety attack but just kind of generally explained how I was sorry and that I struggled under pressure and would like to reconnect etc etc. The messgae was more articulate than I'm getting across but you get the picture. A day later, he said he wasn't interest in a really cold way and blocked me.

Two weeks after that in mid-June he soft launched his new girlfriend and I won't lie, I crahsed out majorly and have not been able to eat or sleep since. My friends and family are seriously worried about me. I (stupidly) messaged him after realising he had a new gf to say that I was hurt by him blocking me before and I would have appreciated knowing he was seeing someone new when he rejected me as it would have helped me move on even if it was hurtful - I promise the mesage wasn't mean or rude, and I apologised mutliple times for reaching out, acknowledging that he had blocked me elsewhere and likely didn't want to talk - I got instantly blocked. I also immaturely tried to follow his new gf on Instagram because I felt insecure and wanted to see what she looked like. I felt like he had proved himself right, he was a catch and I'd never find anyone better. I was subsequently blocked by him and his new gf on both my personal and some professional accounts too. They also blocked some of my friends unprompted.

That's all the bad stuff but I will say that he was an amazing partner. During other non-future related disagreements he was so patient and willing to hear me out. He never ever yelled at me. He was always on time to everything and was reliable, if I needed his help or if I wanted him to attend something for me he was THERE. He was there in a way nobody has ever been for me before. He was so funny, accepted my background was willing to look past it I think, he was proactive and loved to be a provider. He liked taking care of me, doing activites with me, cooking together. He enojyed going on holidays and was fantastic at planning them. He wanted to teach me to invest in stocks and how to budget better so I could be a better person. In many ways he was so rigid on our future because he wanted it so badly, I mean we literally crafted rings together. He was communicative and supportive. He wanted to understand me, and liked showing me off. He loved me so deeply. He made me a part of his family and I LOVED his parents. It was the first time I ever felt like I understood what family and home was supposed to feel like. He was so kind it actually used to feel fake or like it wasn't genuine. Even though it was (I think he just loved being seen as the wife-guy).

This post is really just to try understand his perspective though like what kind of man is typically so intent on these things with their partners and if this was a healthy dynamic for my early 20s? Like I'm trying to figure out if my ex was kind of manosphere leaning, or if he was controlling, which is what some of my friends have said. I don't want to contiune to view him through rose tinted glasses so would like to know from other men, is this normal "men" behaviour?