Crosspost 9

Ok this part again I do not know what coming until I start typing so just in case a big trigger warning. I’m doing this still because it is causing some emotions. Anyway on to the next part this one is going to stir feathers and some hard feelings maybe I do not know this is about my sister.

So as we were little kids living on north hill after my crib was gone my sister and I shared our bed. I have a snap of her all covered up and me cuddled up beside her minus a blanket. I point that out for a reason. Anyway as we were in this era my sister was fairly young. She didn’t really care for me yet had to keep watch over me because I was younger. As I pointed out I was busy and most likely it was a lot. She was tomboyish when she was little not rough and tumble but more like explore and ride bikes. I remember when she was riding her bike it was white and had a yellow banana seat anyway she was doing wheelies over a little ramp and ended up going over the handle bars. I’m not sure if she blacked out but she ended up with a big goose egg on her forehead let’s just say her forehead was a eighthead. She had bright red long hair and green eyes still does. But at that time our melungeon wasn’t showing full force so it was softer with longer bangs when she would get frustrated she would blow out a puff of air making her bang shoot straight up. She had loads of freckles and was pretty fair so usually during the summer her and I would get sunburn so bad we would smell like solarcaine and noxema. She didn’t like sharing with me but sometimes she would read to me and sing me songs. We would use that console record player in the living room that had microphones and we would sing out hearts out to the star is born album. Also other records but mainly that one. She had friends that we would go see and I would be with her sometimes willingly but a lot of the times she did not want me there and treated me accordingly. It used to make me sad. Because we had so much that we went through at that time them feeling rejection from my sister was a lot. It would be her running from me or leaving me somewhere. She always had some kind of animosity towards me even this young. I’m trying to stick to this specific time. So when I move forward it will be after coffeen drive. We played with things like color forms my mom would get them or they were gifts but if I had it and she wanted it she got it. I got to the point I was feeling guilty if I had something she did not. And that carried over til adulthood. And I always gave her what she wanted I think to maybe earn her love. She was like my mom for most of the time where she did not say she loved me. She would shove and push me pinch pull my hair. I would too I think if we got in a fight. I am way more passive though even now so I’m sure that was a lot of me also reacting. Maybe not always. She went to school so a lot of the days she wasn’t there it was during the summer. I will say she may have done some very unsafe things to me which also may be why I was so young and able to roller skate. But she also would walk away and I would blindly follow and she would have me eat road salt I remember one time there was a salt lick at a store and she got me to lick it. When we got older and moved to coffeen drive our path widened and she would still have me following behind her sometimes on a bike on roller skates down the hill on coffeen drive she also would go in peoples houses and I would go right in with her. But if she got mad at me she would just leave and make me chase after her. Always chasing that is some behavior that really never fully left me. On coffeen there was still the if I had something and she wanted she got it. I think at some point I got angry with her and broke little figurines she had. But it took me awhile to fully start getting mad at her. I’m going to pop something in right here to about my dad. My dad got either an old army jeep or a postal service jeep the wheel was on the correct side so as an army jeep I’m going with a military jeep that was painted or repurposed at some point to be a mail carrying vehicle anyway the passenger side door did not stay shut and on a whim it could just pop open, he would take me and my sisters down the back rd at the bottom of coffeen drive and to the left and try to hill climb in that jeep the door would randomly pop open in with me and my sister terrified and screaming and crying. At this time he would also drive over to the train tracks by toweners woods to look for buckshot with my sister and me in the car crying and worried he would be hit by a train. Anyway I had to throw that in there. When we were at our grandmas house during this time usually our cousins provided enough distraction where she wasn’t outright mean but she would make it so some of my cousins wouldn’t play with me so it left me trying to find my place. This was around the time my last cousin I think was born when I we still lived on coffeen drive and he was a premie so tiny I was so amazed at how tiny he was his diapers fit in my hand. My aunt did and always made space for me and she did let me sit there admiring this tiny little baby. My sister I think for the most part a lot of that time she was just off doing her own thing and my cousins were to where we had enough that even if there was some blocking behaviors there was still enough kids to play with. At this time I do not really remember her outwardly stopping my cousins from playing with me. But I do remember she was assertive in the way she treated me.