I think I hate sex

There's nothing that I can say I enjoy about it anymore. It's ruined my life. If I could somehow find a way to turn myself asexual and get rid of any urges forever, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I just want it gone. I don't want to think about it at all but we live in such a sexualized society that it feels like it's inescapable, it's suffocating. People think I'm attractive and I get a lot of attention for it and "pretty privilege," but everything feels so vapid and empty and painful.

They violate my bodily autonomy, every third conversation with a man ends with flirting when I just want friends, they feel entitled to my body or expect me to have sex just because they're nice to me or I am them. I've had people pretend to hold entire friendships with me just to get in my pants and I've had people tell me I should be thankful I'm attractive enough to sexually harrass at all. They all look at me like I'm nothing more than a piece of meat, like an animal they can't wait to pounce on.

When they make significant advances, whether consensual or not, because of my trauma I freeze up. I can't assert my boundaries and I've been conditioned from such a young age not to fight back that it feels impossible to say "no." I thoughtlessly put myself into dangerous situations because I think a part of my brain feels like I deserve to be taken advantage of or even wants to be because it's more familiar than being treated with respect.

I don't feel like I have worth outside of my body and my ability to sexually please others anymore. I vacillate between hypersexuality and being repulsed at the very thought of it, even within a single encounter. I don't even enjoy the sensation anymore because I either feel nothing at all or feel like I need to peel my skin off. I pretty much always have a breakdown after any sex at all. I feel like it has a chokehold over my life and I never asked for any of this, I just want it all to go away.