The promise I made after my brother was killed

See I have gifts I have spiritual gifts I can sense with something is wrong. I can also sense if someone is is not right and have a different bad motive. But I didn't tell my mom cuz my mom at the time she didn't want to believe any of that She still doesn't want to believe any of it. My grandparents and my other on both sides my family they saw it and they nurtured my gifts. My parents hand other hand no. They did not want to nurture my gifts They treated me as though I'm the black sheep for having gifts. How gives us seeing things in my dreams before it happens. Sometimes I have dreams about events that happen in real time as though I'm looking through the other person's eyes I'm right there and some things happening and I can see right through the person's eyes like I'm in their body looking through their eyes and I'm right there when it's happening I had dreams like that. Then I have dreams like deja vu I can see something in my dream see the same patterns happening and then I try to do one thing It doesn't matter what one thing it is I try to do one thing that's different from that dream to try to change what happened in the outcome for my dreams. These are the type of gifts that I have. So when my brother came to using my mom's house he shot a vouch for this guy that he thought was a good guy he was a decent friend something about his energy I didn't like didn't tell her mom cuz her mom didn't want to believe me anything So that same guy later at night who was almost a good friend he tried to kill my brother. And because of that I said whatever I can do is help heal others to help warn others so that you try to do something to help them I use my gifts for good. Cuz since I couldn't say my brother said you know what try to lose my gifts to save others in some kind of way shape or form. And that is why That is why I try to do it not because I'm trying to get emotive out of it not because of the interior motives or anything like that Just tell me try to heal because one thing. I know about pain and know about abuse and know how things feel from every damn angle cuz I lived lived them. That's why I made it my point to try to help her others cuz I don't want nobody else to go through the pain that I battled myself like I said I went through dark night of the soul several times First time was the hardest cuz I had a face my own darkness face the abuse that I went through face the trauma that I've been through and I had to reach out to my younger self. The one that was not protected the one that was not love is a child because yes it wasn't until I stay at my grandparents that's when I finally received some of that the person that I was on my own. And even then I had it went through a process to accept to accept love. As I kept telling my grandparents y'all didn't protect me nobody protect me nobody would take me when I was getting abused Don't wait to text me when I was getting mentally abused nobody protect me when I was molested nobody protected me when I was emotionally abused. Or physically abused or neglected. So for a long as it took for a while to eat me to accept my love for my grandparents I didn't want nobody hug me cuz hugs I didn't feel comfortable even now to his day I don't let just anybody hug me cuz I don't feel comfort with it whether it be virtually or even real life I just can't accept hugs just for anybody So to this day I try to help people because if I couldn't to help people to not deal with the pain that I've been through So yeah the first night Dark Knight is holes it was horrible I went there I was like oh it lasted for a few weeks about to reach out to my inner child that basically was abused and I used to hate my damn self like why did I let it happen Was that weak to let it happen Was it something that I did wrong Why am I outcast in a family that hates me or gives Cher a little love towards me Why am I the black sheep for trying to do it the right thing. I kept saying these things to myself and then I'd heal myself and then out of face that along with the course help of course I went to therapy but also went and does that with my own self and go face myself Then the second time I went through it cuz with a lot of people close to me passed away or they were killed so I had to deal with a lot of grief had to do it a lot of pain I had to deal with a lot of people who didn't understand me Just tell me hey you're widow you know just go ahead and do that and why don't you go ahead and find somebody else and I thought yeah whatever or hey even lost these people so you know I try to move on yeah those type of things. So to see with myself with the grief or the darkness I would get mad at myself like why is it I wish I could have did something to stop these things for happening and deal with the pain that the matter is Is that kept feeling guilty for the longest You have feeling guilty for the longest cuz I kept saying Why do I have these gifts You could save people that love Why do you have to see things like them getting hurt or feeling an uneasy feeling about something about to happen to them and then I try to tell people and they don't believe me and then guess what later on find out what's true. And then you don't believe me until it's too late. So yes I went through the darkness over that type stuff I said with my feelings emotions be myself up saying this and that hating my cell phone with this and that and I had to go ahead and follow your sentence last time I went through it is when I was raped but my kids father. So I went through it again that time feeling messed up because I felt bad not necessary just for me but because of the fact they're my kids that and I kept saying I have to make the choice to either still try to be by with him or try to see what I can do about doing myself and made a choice for my kids and I did it for myself he got mad he did a little bit trying to help with them but most of it was on me then he tried to use leverage things like one time being an a****** and accident I was in a car accident doing nothing wrong just trying to go to the store and get groceries for my kids So I was turning the parking lot This car ran and hit us and I was just in the cabs today to get the jaws of life to get me out the cab. After that happened I had a concussion that whiplash with my neck of a pinched nerve that's in my spinal cord that luckily only have pain from but he said it was anymore I could have been paralyzed. How to deal with it stop pain from that pain for all of that and you know what he did during the time I was going and I was in the hospital he decides to be a jerk in my house with my children's pray lay their heads at and said I'm just getting things with my kids him being an a****** I'm sitting up in the hospital besides that he wants to go ahead bring one is so called lady friends in my house and be intimate with her there. He had did her watch my children. So from there I told Mike your mom and now I said y'all can't watch them to watch them for me then I had to do it myself so I did was I got out the hospital earlier than what they recommended had a nurse my own whiplash had to go to physical therapy while that's cool I just made sure the appointments were during the hours whatever the school going to physical therapy come back home still make sure they have something to eat took care of them and stuff and I rely on myself. I haven't told him I didn't want nothing to do with him 90 for a kids take it I know they say you must be trying to co-pair but it wasn't no co-parent anything with him when he decided to do that type of stuff It was a breakdown and trust is a breakdown effect that he did this around his way his kids I didn't trust him and I damn sure didn't trust the fact that he like my kids around that. I told him I want nothing to do with him and I raised my children by myself. So yeah I had to go to the same face the fact that that I had to be there for myself at the be there for my kids because if it's not me and now there's no other parent that's going to take out to my kids and look out for my kids You know why cuz I'm all prepared that my children have they're real like they're real life parents their father my kids dad He died of congested heart failure The other one he was an a******. Because he liked the fact that my oldest was special needs more cognitive impaired. So don't say he try to do was use our child to try to make it excuse for a parenting time so he think he can try to be with me. Told that's not what parenting time is for It's for you to spend time with your child not me. So you trying to play the course so he can make excuse for that I told him I said for now on we'll have parents of time but it has to be in a mutual place with the courts of something else cuz I'm not trusting you anymore with that. Then it went from that too He tried to use my family cuz the fact that it was working the same place He was going to talk to one of them to try to figure out when my kids was over there for whenever I need a break to think that he could try to go ahead and talk to me no how you know what his calls instead of ain't got nothing to do with our son then they got nothing to do with me. I raised all my children I raise all of them. They all finished high school is at 1:00 but they all got they all working they're not doing anything wrong one It's not working but he's to be I make sure he's taking care of but they're all never been to jail they are they ever been on this off the streets They all been doing something positive. And I did all that myself. Cuz I figured that the I'm the only parent they have They have no one else. And that is why I said if y'all think that I don't know what pain is or I don't know how things are I couldn't possibly understand what people go through Let me put this way I've been through so much pain so much hurt so much everything That's one of the reasons that's why I don't want nobody to feel the pain when I went through because I want them to heal so they don't have to deal with that pain anymore. Which is also a reason why when people make assumptions they're off and wrong because they don't understand that my intentions are pure that I'm just trying to help peel others so they don't have to feel the pain